To Grace

The way I operate is probably not the healthiest.

I am dangerously intense, goal driven, structured, organized, and a perfectionist to the bone. I push myself beyond the limit.

And it's really not ok.

I expect the impossible from myself and completely berate myself for any mistake I make.

I compare.

I am riddled with self doubt.

And I have reached a breaking point.

About a year ago, I wrote an essay for my writing class titled "accepting imperfect" (you can read it here)

The essay describes my path to learning how to just live and not be so damn hard on myself. But you know what? It's a lie.

Because I haven't accepted imperfect.

Technically, yes, I have accepted the fact that I am not perfect by society's definition, but I have not accepted that I am not the perfect I have created in my head.

I have this dreamed up perfect Hannah. One that never gets anything less than an A. One that has a boyfriend. One that has learning difficult things come easily. One that never feels tired or hungry. One that everyone loves.

My expectations for myself are not healthy or realistic. I am Hannah, and I'm doing my best, but my best isn't always what I consider to be the best.


Tuesday, I had my first chemistry exam of the semester. I studied and studied and studied. I felt more than prepared and didn't have too much nervousness/anxiety prior to the exam. As I got the exam and spent the next hour and half working on it, I felt quite confident in my answers. There was a few I was little shaky on but nothing that I had no clue had to do. I left feeling just fine. I got home, had some celebratory dessert, then decided to check my answers with the key.

The test did not go as well as I was hoping. My grade was nothing horrible, but it was less than I was desiring. As I went through the questions I missed, I realized I missed answers because of stupid mistakes. I read a question too quickly, I tried to outsmart a basic question. I called my mom, who talked me through my grief, took a shower, and felt ok. But then I just kept thinking of my score.

I was letting a number define me.

I couldn't stop thinking about it.

It's a slippery slope, a downward spiral.

And here I am now. In my tidy little about/bio, I note that I am a "seeker of grace".

Seeking, I am.

Grace is something that we have already been given, the most precious gift from our Heavenly Father. But it's something I so struggle to accept.

A favorite song of mine has lyrics that go "Freedom comes from letting go/Open up your heart". Oh how I am trying. I am laying it all out here, vulnerable, stripping it down to the bone.

Freeing myself from the guilt feels impossible. I feel like I am in shackles.

Here's the thing that I know but struggle to full acknowledge: this grade will not kill me. It did not harm anyone else. I am home, safe, healthy. I am completely able to attend class. My friends are still by my side.  I am focusing on a grade, one of the thousands I have earned. The one making this grade a burden is me. This a completely self-inflicted wound that I continue to pour salt on.

Last night, at YoungLife, our amazing leader, Paul, gave a great talk based on Luke 15:11-32.  My heart was heavy and pleading for grace. Then, in true fashion of divine intervention, Paul began to to talk about grace and how much we need to let it be a part of our lives.

Oh, grace. Slurring together the messy bits of life that I am learning to bask in.

I am still happy, my soul sings of joy. But I know that I am missing a piece of happiness...happiness with myself. I am absolutely my biggest critic. The doubt and loathing I feel diminish the brightness of hope, my goal for being better at loving myself.

So to put it simply, I am learning to surrender. To grace, to my Maker, to love, to real life, to pressing on.

xo

Hannah

LAS VEGAS

This summer, I noticed Mackenzie had added the song "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" by Celine Dion to her summer Spotify playlist. I instantly remembered how much I loved that song in middle school and texted her to compliment her on her excellent music taste. She told me that Ainsley was going through a Celine Dion phase, and after hearing the music play while Ains was showering, her love for Celine was also reignited.

I became an avid Celine listener, especially after discovering Luke (the little boy I nannied) would instantly calm down and fall asleep when listening to her music. I remember a great number of hours in his dark room, rocking him while humming along to "Because You Loved Me" and "All By Myself", admiring his most adorable face. After I got my gallbladder and appendix out, the first thing I did when waking up from anesthesia was listen to "It's All Coming Back to Me Now". As summer continued, so did the love for Celine. Towards the end of June, Ainsley texted me asking if I would want to go to Vegas to see Celine in concert. Of course! However, for a while, everything seemed very dreamy/hypothetical. I didn't think it would actually ever happen, but the oh-so-persuasive Ainsley somehow convinced her parents to go to Vegas and see the queen for her 16th birthday, along with her best friend Maya (who actually dreamed up the whole trip idea), Mackenzie and me. It all worked out wonderfully, and we were scheduled to head to Sin City over Labor Day weekend to see Celine freaking Dion.

We left late Friday night, so so excited! On our way to the airport, a piece of Eileen's car literally flew off, causing a quick put stop and so much laughter. We made it to the airport with plenty of time, Mackenzie and I scored Schlotzsky's for dinner, and the flight was super short. Mack's dad planned for a limo to pick us up from the airport to take us to our hotel, The Venetian. However, only Mack and I knew about it, so we got to be the ones who surprised everyone! We made sure to get ahead and find the driver, and I explained to him the surprise situation. Eileen just knew we were in charge of transportation, and I told her my dad gave me a great company to call that he had used. While we "waited" for the car company,  I suggested we go take some flashy pics next to a limo. Ainsley and Maya were convinced they wouldn't let us, but we went over and sure enough, they let us! lol. We talked to the driver for a bit, and I eventually asked if he could take us for a spin. At this point, Maya and Ains were freaking out, especially after he said yes. I then told them that the limo was our ride, and everyone was very confused/nervous/freaked out, but Mackenz and I just got right in and they followed! We drove through the lit up strip, admiring all the lights, drunk people, and yelling with excitement for the concert. We got to the hotel pretty late and went to bed right away.

Airport selfies are always essential

our weekend itinerary made by the birthday queen no less

Saturday morning, we had a quick breakfast before heading out to do as much as we could before the concert. We went to Madame Tussad's Wax Museum and it was worth every penny! It was so freaky but fun to see wax figures of celebrities like Cameron Diaz and Oprah. The best part was when we go to see the wax figure of Celine. After the wax museum, we explored several of the hotels. The architecture of the entire city is pretty phenomenal. After walking around in the heat for several hours, we retreated back to the hotel to get ready for the evening. I'd say on levels of hotness, we went from 7s to 10s, without a doubt. We ate at the Hard Rock Cafe before heading to the Colosseum at Caesar's to see Queen Celine. Along the way, we took pictures and just marveled by the oddities of the human race.

Your newest Playboy bunnies (I know, I can't stop laughing too)

YES

Our queen

Oh yeah and this happened! hahahaha

Quick stop in Paris

There's a lot I love about this picture

Did Caesar really live here?

Eileen's Vegas bf

Ainsley's birthday present bahahaha

 Then came the concert.

I don't think I'll ever have the words to adequately describe the magic that happened that evening. Celine truly has the voice of an angel. The concert began with a little video montage to "I Drove All Night", and then suddenly, she appeared. She began singing "I Surrender". Right at the chorus, the white curtains dropped to reveal an orchestra and back up singers and honestly, I don't think I've ever felt so close to tears at a concert. Ainsley really did bawl a steady stream of tears. The entire concert, I had goosebumps and was just in disbelief of the beauty of her voice. It's something I will never, ever forget. She certainly left us on a a Celine high.

Sunday, we went to the pool for about an hour in the morning before checking out of our room and heading to New York New York. Ainsley, Mackenzie, and I rode the roller coaster three times. We indulged at Shake Shack for lunch, and no shake will ever be as amazing as the Black and White, and no crinkle cut fry ever as worthy. Honestly, we were so exhausted, so we went back to the hotel and camped out on some couches until it was time for us to take our limo back to the airport.

The weekend as a whole was quick, but so fun. Vegas is such an interesting city, and I look forward to going back- when I'm 21 that is, so it's a little more enjoyable lol.

The moral of this long vacation recount is GO SEE CELINE DION IN CONCERT. Your life will never be the same. You will truly be touched by an angel.

I just had to get this babe a shirt since he is Celine's biggest fan. Also, this picture is my favorite EVER.

Oh, and of course Mackenzie and I made a video of the weekend. Enjoy!


xo
Hannah

S/O To Mackenzie

So my bffl/significant other Mackenzie asked me a few months ago to answer these questions for her blog. I had the best time of my life answering each question, laughing out loud all by myself more times than I'd like to admit. 

Basically, she wanted her readers to get to know her, and the people she spends a lot of time with/mentions a lot. As usual, I thought she was brilliant and asked her if I could pretty please copy her. Luckily she said yes, but even if she said no, I still would have did it lol. 

So we will begin with the superstar of the blog, moi! I feel like my true voice (inside my head) really came out while answering these questions so I hope you get to know me a little better! Get ready for a novel folks.

Fake laughing is my thang

One of my all time favorite selfies 

WHAT IS UP WHAT IS UP PARTY PEOPLE. My name is Hannah and I'm so happy you're here to read my opinions and thoughts and word vomit! I'm a natural redhead, so yes I do require more anesthesia, and blue and green look fab on me. You probably think you know who I am but I doubt it. Cue “You Don’t Know Me” by Ben Folds.

So let’s get started. Hannah, 19, Aries. This is my blog, where I sometimes get a little (or a lot) sentimental and emotional and dramatic with my words that I rarely proofread. I have a deep love for cadavers, YouTube surgery videos, cheese and crackers, chocolate sprinkles, Birkenstocks, and babies. You can read a more refined "about me" here

1. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Ahhh, such a fun question. Let’s see- ten years from now, I will be 29 and that is absolutely ridiculous. I will (hopefully) have graduated from medical school and have started my residency! At the moment, I’m interested in obstetrics, which will hopefully lead me to maternal-fetal medicine, or gastroenterology. Let’s also hope those student loans magically get paid for. 

I better be married, or else I’ll be living with Mackenzie and her husband+offspring #spinsterforlife

But let’s just hope I am married (please, please Lord), and if thy God answers the prayer of all prayers, I will have a chiclet or two, and live in a house with the with the decor of Anthro+Pottery Barn plus a pantry full of Trader Joe’s snacks and most importantly a room dedicated to Cafe Disco dance parties, with an espresso machine and a disco ball, of course.

2. What is the most important quality you look for in a friend?

Quality? Try qualities. Brown hair, blue eyes, born on February 27, 1996, studies Political Science at CU Boulder, favorite song is “Now is the Start” by A Fine Frenzy, has a wiener dog named Tater. 

But because not everyone is Mackenzie…

An important quality I look for in a friend is solitude. I love someone who likes to spend time together talking, but also likes to be alone. I’m not really into 24/7 hanging out/talking/clinginess, so independence is pretty key. 

Or loyalty, humor, vulnerability, or good personal hygiene. 

3. Favorite book, TV show, song and movie?

I couldn’t just choose one favorite, so I have given you my top two favorite. 

Book: Ripley’s Believe It Or Not! 2007 by Mr. Ripley

 My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult

Song: “Rack City”  by Tyga

“Now is the Start” by A Fine Frenzy

TV show: Bad Girls Club

The Office or Grey’s Anatomy (everyone has to have a favorite comedy and a favorite drama)

Movie: Shrek the Halls

Cheaper by the Dozen

4. A place you’ve never been to before, but want to visit? 

Compton, CA

Somalia

Believe it or not, I have never been to a Wawa, which is supposed to be this amazing convenience store and I LOVE convenience stores, so I gotta hit one of those up sometime in this life (this is not a joke).  Also, I really want to visit Genovia. The people there seem so welcoming! Plus, I am obsessed with pears, the national food. While I’m across the pond, I would also stop in Rome, Italy. It pains me to admit that I am just another girl who wants to go to Rome, but Lizzie McGuire has always been my favorite so I must go see what dreams are made of.

5. If you had to give an incoming college Freshman one piece of advice what would it be?

Get ready to cry a lot. And laugh a lot. And eat a lot. And nap a lot. 

Oh, and have an open mind. As my friend Ellie Goulding would say, “Anything could happen” so be open and vulnerable to all the new experiences out there. 

6. What’s your zodiac sign and do you believe it accurately describes you?

Ha! Towards the end of the semester, when I was really getting sick of school, I started looking at my horoscope everyday. I am an Aries and really had no idea what characteristics make an Aries. So based on this (http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/aries.htm) description, yes, I would say it accurately describes me. Independent, yep! Impatient? Oh yes. 

7. What’s your favorite place in the world?

Ok, I’ll be 100% serious for this question, no sarcasm. Kauai is my happy place, most specifically Hanalei Bay. I cry every single time I have to leave the island. It is truly where my heart is home. 

8. What does a typical day look like for you?

Wake up, be awesome. 

Ok my life is a smidgen more interesting than a phrase found on a t-shirt from the Kohl’s boys section. Here’s your average summer day in the life (remember I said a smidgen more interesting):

Wake up, establish vision (aka put in my contacts), coffee, nannying, read, run, dinner, relax, walk my dog, shower, Sonic with Mack, watch some Netflix, bed. 

9. Three words that describe you?

Fun loving gal OR Quirky independent cutie  

I am all six of those words.

10. Stripes or polka dots?

Stripes. Always stripes. Even if they do make you look fat. 

11. Who would play you in a movie about yourself?

Anne Hathaway because she is freaking awesome. I would trust no one more than Mia Thermopolis to portray my awkwardly awesome life. 

12. What would you say is your best quality?

Probably my infectious dance spirit. Dance on, idiots.

13. What was your favorite game or toy as a child?

I was obsessed with all things baby doll, which probably explains my love for children. You better believe I toted around tiny bottles filled with fake milk, little cloth diapers, and blankets to swaddle my dolls in an itty bitty diaper bag, hanging from my doll stroller, all while having a balloon shoved under my shirt. #littlemama

14. What’s your favorite section of Target?

 I am a stationary slut, so you will probably find me loading my basket with all the cute cards and sticky notes and notepads from the dollar section, as well as eyeing the paper paraphernalia in the office area. But I do also love the baby clothes. Not a pedo, I promise.

15. What are the titles of the last three books you read?

“The Bible” by Jesus

“The Book of Mormon” by Mitt Romney

“The Torah” by Adam Sandler

As you can see, I’ve been exploring religion.

But I've also read:

“Working Stiff: Two Years, 262 Bodies, and the Making of a Medical Examiner” by Judy Melinek

“Saint Anything” by Sarah Dessen

“I Was Here” by Gayle Foreman

16. What are titles of the last three movies you watched?

High School Musical

High School Musical 2

High School Musical 3: Senior Year 

just kidding, it was really:

Shrek

Shrek 2

Shrek the Third

Or maybe it was 

The Fault in Our Stars

The Prince and Me

Christmas with the Kranks

18. Share an embarrassing story

I’ll share two. I will share the funnier, less embarrassing story first, then a more graphic one, so if you are easily disgusted, I suggest only reading story one.

1. Freshman year, my bio lab was collecting water samples to analyze from the Boulder Creek. My TA suggested some of us go further up the creek because no one had samples from there. I volunteered to wade in the water to get the sample. I began to step into the creek, wearing my forever faithful red Hunters, when suddenly I was up to my neck in water. I was completely soaked in smelly creek water and had class right afterwards so was forced to sit in my tiny class, smelling like sewage in a wet dress. Some girls sitting near me could not get over “some smell”. The smell was me. 

2. Oh man this is good. Fifth grade Hannah was fresh from CCD (church class) on a Thursday night, wearing her awesome black velour tracksuit and neon pink Crocs (with socks of course, it was December). My dad said that we were going to stop at Bath and Body Works to pick up a few soaps and lotions for my mom for Christmas. We were in the car, turning into the shopping center where BBW was located and suddenly, I HAD TO GO. And not just #1 go but #2 go. It was like something was ripping through me with no stopping. My dad would not stop the car even though I pleaded, cried, and begged. HIS MISTAKE. He quickly parked and the second I got out of the backseat, it was happening. Diarrhea was running down my leg like freaking lava. As my dad finally understood what was happening, he hurried into the store, bringing me to the bathroom. But the damage had been done. Diarrhea filled my Crocs, soaked through my underwear, and lined the inside of my pants. I cried in the bathroom, trying to clean myself up. As Murphy’s Law would have it, I ran out of TP, and there was no paper towels. And the extra TP was located on a tall shelf, blocked with boxes of extra merchandise. At this point I was only wearing my shirt and socks. No pants. No underwear. I began to scale the mountain of boxes in the attempt to retrieve more TP. As I did this, I got literal shit on the boxes. I got to the top of the box mountain (4 boxes high) when the top box broke open, causing bottles of holiday soap to fall everywhere. And naked me. I was sobbing, guys, in absolute hysterics. While all of this is happening, my dad is in the store, leisurely shopping, only coming to check on me once (pre-climb, pre-fall, pre-nakedness). So I’m trying to clean up but I literally have nothing to clean up with. Diarrhea is everywhere. I’m just standing in the middle of this bathroom with my socks and shirt on. Then some boy, probably 2 years younger than me, fiddles the door and unlocks it, swinging it open. I just start yelling at him and oh man, did he run away! My dad must have seen this poor scarred child and comes to check on me. I honestly think he was just as shocked as the little boy. He made me put on my pants then left me to go pay and corral my siblings. I walked out of the bathroom, shame tattooed all over my body, and with a piece of crap-covered TP stuck to my Croc, trailing behind me. Twas the Trail of Tears. My siblings were laughing so hard they too are crying, and banished me to the far back seat. The entire ride home, I continue to cry as they chant “Diarrhea Head!!!”. So. Much. Love! My dad, still in a panic, calls my mom, who is out as well doing some Christmas shopping, and lets her know what went down. She goes to the store to go clean the bathroom, tells him what drug to give me to plug me up, and I am quarantined to my room for 24 hours so I do not infect anyone else with run down your legs run for your life diarrhea. 

19. Share a favorite memory

Probably the second embarrassing moment. Or when I had to have an internal ultrasound for an ovarian cyst:-) 

Ok fine, but prepare for me to get emotional/gushy.

I have a million favorite memories, but this one is special and different than most I carry. It was the last day of freshman year of college, May 4th, 2015. The day was actually insane because I had all of my finals that day and was pretty overwhelmed and stressed, but I walked out of my last final and literally skipped for a minute (no one was around to witness that hilarity). I remember walking back to my dorm, blasting “Forever” by Chris Brown through my headphones, feeling absolutely invincible. When I got back, I got rid of my backpack and met my friends for dinner. It was weird because everyone else still had tests to take in the next few days but I was done! I was so happy and out of control that all I had for dinner was french fries and a sprinkle milkshake. Obviously a Cafe Disco dance party was planned for that evening. I remember all of my friends filling my nearly empty dorm, as we danced and decided to take crazy videos. We pushed each other up and down the hall in desk rolly chairs and laughed until our stomaches hurt. As the evening came to an end, we sat on my bed and my moved-out-roommates bed, listening to “I Will Remember You” by Sarah McLachlan, and everyone went around sharing memories from this year. It reminded me so much of another favorite memory, the night before graduation, as I sat around a fire with my best friends 5eva, reminiscing of our four short years of high school. We cried, laughed, and hugged. will never forget how complete I felt sitting there, in that moment. Fast forward one year, as I sat in a nearly empty dorm, barely able to comprehend it was over, how a year flew by, how I had made it. There were points throughout the year that I just wanted to go home, to be back in high school, to rest in the familiarity. But where I was had become the familiar,my home away from home. The girls surrounding me were no longer strangers but sisters. We conquered the first year of the rest of our lives together. When I left the next morning, I cried and felt so weird being home. Just eight months prior, I cried as I was dropped off (ok not really dropped off but you know what I mean) and felt so weird not being home. Life had come full circle, and as I left Smith Hall, I carried with me absolute peace.  

20. What’s your motto?

You can’t sit with us. 

Lol jk um, I’m not sure I really have a motto.

Wait actually, it's LOL. (really)

21. Share a favorite quote

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. -Wayne Gretzy” -Michael Scott

“Just don’t think about it!” -Mackenzie Carson

“It is better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”

22. If you could relive your teen years in any era what would it be?

Hmm, shall I be basic and say “the 50s!”? No. Because there was no Netflix in the 50s so my teen years would be nothing, ya feel? But really, I would love to relive my teen years in the era I experienced them in, 2009-2015. Because my teen years FREAKING ROCKED. No teenage angst/high school hate over here, for real. Love the life you live.

23. Go-to Starbucks order?

Well I heard some Starbucks just started serving wine and craft beer, so please pour me a trenta chardonnay. Or a chai tea latte if it’s more appropriate. Hot or cold, full fat baby.

24. What’s your ideal way to spend a Friday night?

In stall 22 at Sonic with Mackenhey, talking and singing. <3

25. What’s your preferred social media?

Instagram, fo sho. Probably because I’m a nosy person and love to have a peak into people’s lives, even if it is through rose colored glasses. 

26. What’s the biggest misconception about you?

That Mackenzie and I are a couple. But hey, we’re not far from it.   

27. How do you feel about the color pink?

Good god, I hate pink. The end.

28. If you could trade places with anyone, living or dead, famous or not famous, for a day who would it be?

I would actually love to trade places with all my haters so I could see what is really wrong with their life that is making them hate me. 

29. What websites do you currently have bookmarked?

Pinny pinny Pinterest! Follow moi here 

plus some boring school sites woo.hoo.

30. What’s your favorite 90s song?

I have a special love for the 90s. It was a good time for America, especially in pop culture. Hands down, my favorite 90s song is “These Are Days” by 10,000 Maniacs. The song opens up “Cheaper by the Dozen” aka the best movie EVER. I frequently listen to the song and picture my future days as a mother and seriously get my tears in my eyes.I will never forget a conversation with Mackenzie towards the end of freshman year of college and we were both so happy about life and how we kept saying “THESE are the days!” and were flipping out emotionally via text. Standard stuff around here. Plus I have this rad shirt from J.Crew (best store ever) to support my love for the song.

//

So what did you get out of this novel of an answer sheet? That I’m an offensive sarcastic young person? That I love children in a way that is more than borderline creepy? That I loovvveee to talk? That you love me ever more than you already did? Yes to all of the above? Awesome. I’m so excited for us to be pals for-like-ever. Until we can meet in real life, I hope this blog can suffice.

xoxo

Hannah