You Raise Me Up

Always there to catch me. And because no post is complete without a picture.

There’s a hundred different things I could say about college and what it does to you. But let me put it simply:

It. Is. Hard.

I don’t say this to scare any high schoolers or to break any parents hearts. It’s just a simple fact that I think is often overlooked when you look at the grand idea of college. It’s easy to overlook that it is indeed school, and it’s school you choose to go to, unlike high school, which is required by law (sorta I think?)

The whole process of getting to college is its own challenge. Applying, waiting to hear back, deciding. Freshman year is it’s own special blur. There’s so much confusion, but also so much understanding. You grow and truly enter adulthood but the transition is what seems to be all consuming. 

Then comes sophomore year. Oh how wonderful it has been. I love that I HAVE my friends, I love living off campus in an apartment with my best friend, I love the increased freedom and independence. But there is an even bigger slap in the face with adulthood. The real world is getting closer and closer, scarier and scarier. The amount of pressure you suddenly are under to figure out everything about your life is unfathomable. You need to building a beautiful resume with internships and jobs, getting good grades in your classes, participating in extracurriculars, all with the the finest of precision and balance, to (eventually) guarantee a spot in a prestigious graduate program or excellent position at a strong company.  You need to know what you are doing with your life and have the detailed plan of how you're going to do it. 

And then you break. Like I did last Wednesday.

My TA and fellow anatomy lab students began to talk about how difficult classes were that I know I will eventually take, how hard it is to get into many graduate programs, how there is such a strong need to excel and be the best. I was already feeling overwhelmed by my anatomy lecture exam that was the next day, and stressing about building my semester for the next semester. The second I left the building, I started crying, and spent the rest of the afternoon crying. Crying while talking to my parents and friends, crying as I studied, crying as I made a cup of tea. It rained all throughout the day, ironically enough, and I couldn’t dig myself out of the hole I had created. I was crippled with anxiety and feelings of inferiority. 

I tend to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and have ridiculously high expectations for myself. I don’t really give myself a lot of room for error. I have my own plan and am truly working on accepting that it isn’t going to necessarily happen how I want it to. The whole afternoon, in the back of my mind, I knew I simply needed to surrender and just breathe. Isn’t it funny how we always ignore our true thoughts. Inner demons, I tell you.

As I went about crying and freaking out, those around me took me under their wings. Mackenzie went and got me Starbucks. Emma sent me the kindest words. Christine and Luke encouraged me during chemistry. My parents called me, offering to drive to Boulder to help me study. The next morning, I received good luck texts from Caroline, Emma, Mackenzie, and my parents. 

I took my anatomy exam (and did tremendously better than the first time) and headed to Starbucks to finish a chemistry lab writeup and get a warm drink. I put my headphones, scanning my Spotify for a song to listen to, and stumbled on “You Raise Me Up” but Josh Groban. They lyrics spoke to me, as I thought about how blessed I was to have my tribe. 

They raise me up. As independent as I might believe I am, I really can’t do it alone. So today, I give thanks for my people. I wouldn't be here without you all. xoxo

xo

Hannah