Good Grief

It’s been three months now since my cousin, Ben, passed away. There are still moments where I am caught off guard, as my mind wanders, and I realize I will never see him again. I think of his voice, his laugh, of some of my memories with him, and that makes me so unbelievably sad. But here’s the honest truth: Ben and I were never super close. We were closer when we were kids, but grew into very different people over the years. Blood and age were our common bond. I’m not going to pretend like we were best friends who always talked and had intertwined lives. In fact, we were the furthest thing from it. The last time I saw Ben was on Christmas. We barely had a conversation. The last interaction we had was when we were helping my grandma clean up and were putting away the rum that some of adults had added to their eggnog. He joked with his little sister that he had put some in her cup, and then I asked if he would put some in mine too. We laughed, and that was that. 

Ben’s death left us all grieving. I am devastated by the loss in our family and how there will always be a hole, an ache that nothing will fix.  I hate the sadness the people I love so much feel. I know things will never be the same and we will never "get over it". 

I think it’s a very human thing to wonder what would happen if you were to unexpectedly die. Would I leave my "mark"? Who would come to the funeral, who would send their condolences, who would still feel wrecked months after? 

I remember once telling my friend that I would be so mad if people who weren’t super close to me acted like they were so sad by my death.

But Ben’s death has left me with a heaping dose of perspective. 

Again I say, Ben and I were not that close. Yet here I am, months later, still talking about it, still saddened by it. I’ve realized now that it’s not necessarily how close you are to a person that determines how their passing affects you. Death leaves a very unique impression on everyone. 

Since January 19th, my priorities have been completely shuffled and realigned with my heart. I think about what's important to me, what I will make sacrifices for, and there is peace. My decisions carry more weight with them, as they aren't made lightly. There's more balance between putting others first, and self care. Far less explanation when saying no. 

For me, Ben's death hasn't been this big "live each day like it's your last" scenario. It's been loving others the best I can. Allowing myself to relentlessly feel my emotions. Relishing the normal moments. More giving. Growing faith

It's the good grief. 

There is no timeline to grief, no limitations, no explanations. You feel it how you feel it. And I hope as you feel it, there is grace, there is peace, and eventually through it all,  there is goodness. 

xo

Hannah