Good Grief

It’s been three months now since my cousin, Ben, passed away. There are still moments where I am caught off guard, as my mind wanders, and I realize I will never see him again. I think of his voice, his laugh, of some of my memories with him, and that makes me so unbelievably sad. But here’s the honest truth: Ben and I were never super close. We were closer when we were kids, but grew into very different people over the years. Blood and age were our common bond. I’m not going to pretend like we were best friends who always talked and had intertwined lives. In fact, we were the furthest thing from it. The last time I saw Ben was on Christmas. We barely had a conversation. The last interaction we had was when we were helping my grandma clean up and were putting away the rum that some of adults had added to their eggnog. He joked with his little sister that he had put some in her cup, and then I asked if he would put some in mine too. We laughed, and that was that. 

Ben’s death left us all grieving. I am devastated by the loss in our family and how there will always be a hole, an ache that nothing will fix.  I hate the sadness the people I love so much feel. I know things will never be the same and we will never "get over it". 

I think it’s a very human thing to wonder what would happen if you were to unexpectedly die. Would I leave my "mark"? Who would come to the funeral, who would send their condolences, who would still feel wrecked months after? 

I remember once telling my friend that I would be so mad if people who weren’t super close to me acted like they were so sad by my death.

But Ben’s death has left me with a heaping dose of perspective. 

Again I say, Ben and I were not that close. Yet here I am, months later, still talking about it, still saddened by it. I’ve realized now that it’s not necessarily how close you are to a person that determines how their passing affects you. Death leaves a very unique impression on everyone. 

Since January 19th, my priorities have been completely shuffled and realigned with my heart. I think about what's important to me, what I will make sacrifices for, and there is peace. My decisions carry more weight with them, as they aren't made lightly. There's more balance between putting others first, and self care. Far less explanation when saying no. 

For me, Ben's death hasn't been this big "live each day like it's your last" scenario. It's been loving others the best I can. Allowing myself to relentlessly feel my emotions. Relishing the normal moments. More giving. Growing faith

It's the good grief. 

There is no timeline to grief, no limitations, no explanations. You feel it how you feel it. And I hope as you feel it, there is grace, there is peace, and eventually through it all,  there is goodness. 

xo

Hannah

Photo Dump

Most of my posts on the blog lately have been more on the reflective side of life, which is always grand, but I do enjoy keeping this blog for the sake of posterity so a proper iPhone photo dump is proper business every now and then. So here's the latest photo novella of life February-March 2016

Donuts are my love language. 

Boulder, Colorado = wearing your Birks even when there's snow on the ground, because it's 65 and sunny

A rainy afternoon view 

Always love Mom's snaps, especially with Roberto

Ah, CU you are a beaut

YL Winter Dance with the one and only T-Mitch. Lawlz Mackenz

Perfect capture

Hiking the Flatties on Smack Mack's 20th BIRTHDAY!!!!

Woohoo nature

FREAKING WAITED SO LONG FOR THIS MOMENT

Faceswap keeps us all so enertained

Covered in powdered sugar or cocaine after YL? Hmm, you decide

Lit on the light of the world our man JC

SVVYL Banquet

My brother would be jealous. 

Most photogenic dog award goes to Bella

Nightmare inducing face swaps hahahahahhaha 

Hexagonal tiled floors, striped shirts, cute coffee shops, my Lotta clogs... all my favorite things 

Marvino teaching me about fouls and basketball and all that jazz

But not without a faceswap!

Seriously the cutest

I miss my favorite little humans! Who are getting SO big!

And one more faceswap to haunt your dreams

xo
Hannah

Friends Forever, Homework Whatever!

Horrible picture, but a favorite memory. Last year on daylight savings, we (unintentionally) stayed up talking through the night and were very thrown off when it went from 1:55am to 3am in a matter of minutes lol. 

I should really be studying for my stats exam right now. But instead, I'm here on Blogger. I've noticed lately there has been a lot of "I should be studying for ____, I should be doing ____ assignment" in my life, but instead I've been doing things that are more worthy of my time. Like last night.

This weekend was packed full of WL club, a high school basketball state championship, hanging out with my parents, a sleepover (and lots of Yahtzee and dominos) at Grammy and PopPop's, brunch and church with Gram, a mentor tea for a YL friend, and then dinner at the Walnut house (aka some friends house). I was able to sneak in some homework and studying here and there, but the majority of my time was spent with people that I love. 

Last night, Emma offered to make Mackenzie and I dinner, so we went over to her house and ate delicious lemon rosemary pasta and salad. Courtney and Melissa joined us, and the five of us spent the next six hours talking and talking and talking. There's a piece of me that misses living in the dorms because we all lived on the same floor and went to dinner together every night and were just with each other more! However, I think we can all agree we like having our own space and not wearing shower shoes more. In six hours, we discussed politics and the upcoming election. We talked about the Middle East and America's involvement overseas. We got deep and heavy and talked about the Holocaust, 9/11, and Columbine. We talked about genetics and the chances of blue eyed babies. We laughed about boys. We recalled our favorite old books, movies, and songs, and the weird ones too (The Neverending Story and Bunicula anyone??). We got giddy over the dreams of future engagements and weddings. We freaked out over government secrets and conspiracies. We sipped tea and ate the most divine brownies. We talked about waxing and the joys of being a woman. We dreamt of baby names and freaked out over the concept of motherhood. We face-swapped on Snapchat.  It was six, sweet hours of honest friendship. 

When Mackenzie and I finally got home, it was after 1am. We were beyond exhausted (thank you daylight savings) and mumbled about how we should have come home earlier and studied. But my cup was filled with happiness of being with my people. Last year, I was big into "the homework can wait, you don't get to live across the hall from your best friends forever!" and this year has really showed me what a gift that was. All of our lives have really picked up as sophomores and it's been so much more difficult to find those pockets of time to just be together, like we used to do at dinner in the C4C or brushing our teeth in the bathroom listening to Taylor Swift.  Friends forever, homework whatever! I'm not going to remember that on Sunday March 13, 2016, I should have come home earlier and studied statistics. I'm going to remember the conversations and laughs with my friends about the ins and outs of the world and life. 

So now, I should study. Four more days until spring break!

xo

Hannah

Seasons & Operas

Slightly dramatic picture, slightly dramatic post

Today was the weather was exceptionally "springy". It was overcast when I woke up and it rained/sorta hailed when I was walking to class. However, buds are covering trees and bushes and the grass is greening up again and the earth has a blooming smell to it. I spent most of the afternoon studying chemistry, and took the exam this evening. It's been a pretty good day, but just as the earth is doing its thing transitioning into the next season, I feel like life is too.

The past few weeks (but especially this weekend) I have been ridiculously nostalgic. I really, really miss my friends and family and the golden memories of high school. That feels crazy since high school was a good two years ago, but life has been so turbulent lately and honestly, pretty unstable, so I think I've just been clinging to my pieces of joy. I would give my arm and leg to go back to the freaking awesome surprise party the moms planned for us, or to Sonic stall 22, or to APUSH with Paisley, or to the tennis courts at the rec centers.

But at the same time, I'm so loving brunching with my gals, throwing myself into school, and learning the ropes of leading Wyldlife.

There is a magnet my mom keeps on the fridge at home that her grandma gave her. On it, there is a pumpkin surrounded by foliage and the words "To everything there is a season". Ecclesiastes 3:1,4 says "There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens... A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance". This is my season where in the most random of moments, there is a lump in my throat. It's the time where I wish I was with my family simply out of comfort. Honestly, I want to say "oh I'm learning this or understanding this" but I don't know! I'm not quite sure what all of this is, other than a heaping dose of perspective and a realignment of priorities.

When I was listening to my Classical Spotify playlist in the attempt to keep my brain on chemistry not lyrics, "Nessun Dorma" (also love this version!!!) came on. My taste in music is seriously so all over the place, as I enjoy indie folk to opera arias to occasional pop to piano sonatas. My mood is very determinate of my music and in moments of focus, operas and classical music is my drug of choice. Last night I was listening to the Carpenters, this morning I was listening to The 1975, this evening it was Jackie Evancho.

With opera and classical, the deepest, most intense emotions that we can't really make sense of with words alone are simply thundered out with instruments and vocals. There's a great TED talk (I wrote a few thoughts on it a few years ago back here) that explains how classical music is transformative and captures magic in the most unique of ways. Tragedy is made beautiful and stories are told in their raw. So I guess my current state of life is that of a transitioning season, and an opera- unpredictable and glorious, liberated emotion. Thanks for sticking with me through this muddled mess of thoughts.

xo
Hannah

Freedom & Glory

Today was a perfect 73 degrees. The warmth brought joy to many; the Norlin Quad was filled with people laying in the grass, every outside table and bench contained studying students, the birds were chirping. It is now raining. Odd for February, but it feels right. My window is cracked open, and the aroma of the wet world fills my room. The rain is not the sorrowful type, but the peaceful kind. The kind that reminds us to just breathe in each moment, and the kind that gets me thinking.

Last night, I found out a boy that I had graduated high school with took his own life. The tragedy has shattered my community. Pain and grief have consumed many. I am left with sadness for those who were close with him, his family, and him. I hate that there is so much stigma with depression, anxiety, any mental illness, especially in college. The current season of life that I am experiencing with my peers is full of pressure, of decisions, of stress. Research has proved that the amount of stress college-aged adults feel is at an all time high.

I stayed in tonight to study for a European history exam and a stats quiz as a few of my friends went to a worship night. The past few months I've come to realize that it is ok to say no and focus on school stuff when it is necessary, and not feel guilty. Right now, the French Revolution needed my attention. After a solid hour of studying, I did a quick scroll through Instagram. This picture that my favorite blogger posted really grabbed my attention.

Third graders really know what's up.

No big deal... the sun is still going to rise tomorrow

1. I am smart no matter what! 
I am smart! I am not my mistakes. 

2. No one will stop loving me and no one will be mad no matter how I do on the test.
Unconditional. Grace. Love.

3. I won't even remember this test!
Amen sista. Is this gonna matter in a week, a month, a year, five years? Probably not.

4. When I finish a question or section, let it go! 
 Let. It. Go! How much crap do we hold onto in our lives that just bogs us down? Too much. The deadweight burden weighs a ton. 

5. Don't try to be perfect!
 Ahh, perhaps my favorite. Don't try to be perfect. Because let's be real, you can't be perfect. And there's such freedom in that.

6. Take deep breaths!
 Breathe in, breathe out. Don't get so far ahead of yourself that you can't handle the present.

7. I know how to take the test!
You were born for this, baby! 

8. Bring a special something to wear or hold. 

 I love this sweet strategy. Comfort is so key.  

Lainey's test taking strategies are more of living life strategies if you ask me. These eight notes are all things we need to hear more often!

In this life, there is freedom and there is glory. Stress too often gets the best of us. Society makes us crack. But we get to make mistakes and still go on! It's a gift of true splendor. Someone recently told me, "You are not big enough to screw up your own life". Wow. If that's not freedom, I don't know what is. 

This is all just temporary. We're just trying to make it through, and we should never have to hide anything. Saying this in my best Jamaican accent, I promise you that every little thing is going to be alright. 

xo

Hannah

Perspective

I know for most people, hospitals aren't happy places. But in those hallways of heartbreak, there is also hope. In the waiting rooms of agony, there is answer. As much pain occurs amongst those walls, there is also peace. 

You know the phrase, "If you're going through hell, keep going"? Well I'm running, full throttle ahead.

The past three weeks have been a whirlwind. I have never been so completely out of control of my life. I have been thinking back to a month ago, when the semester was just starting. I had this gut feeling that it was going to be a great semester, that good things were going to happen. Classes seemed interesting, friends were great, it was all just steady and I was content. Then this crazy thing called life happened.

My cousin died, which has left with me grief to muddle through. Then my grandpa had some complications from a surgery which have drastically changed what the next few months of his life will look like. For a girl who's family is her rock of Gibraltar, I feel shaken, to say the least.

It's pretty crazy how quickly things can change. I've realized yet again how comfortable life can really be and how the normal is too easily taken for granted. Friday night before my grandpa got sick, I had started to write a blog post. Life felt like it was on an upswing and while my heart still mourned the loss of Ben, things were continuing on.

It's Friday night at 10:30, I'm in my pajamas sitting on my bed, my favorite Anthropologie candle is lit, I went to breakfast with friends this morning, I got to see Grammy and Poppop, Mackenzie and I saw "The Choice"  (10/10 would recommend), John Mayer is serenading me, it's the recipe for perfection. Today was a good day.

Ah, just a glimpse. Now is one of those times where life is best looked at day by day. Just like every other person in America, my life is crazy! What a novelty, I know, another person with a hectic life. My world has seemed to spin out of orbit and I'm just trying to find a new equilibrium. Every minute of every day has been utilized because it has to be. The emotions I had mastered suppressing are flowing out like a fountain. I have been forced to look at myself, my life, and how I perceive things and good gosh, it's exhausting!

Little did I know when I was writing this how even more out of orbit my world was about to spin. Last week, I cried more times and in more places (ex: walking to class). Sometimes, it just doesn't feel fair and there's no one to blame.

I think all these little tragedies paired with my incessant listening of "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack (can I have an amen hallelujah for early 2000s music?) have left me with a heaping dose of perspective. I kick myself that crap has to happen for me to be more appreciative of my life, but alas it does.

As cheese ball as it is, I have realized I want to "dance" more. Because dancing isn't just taking opportunity, it's living with everything you got. For me, actual dancing is when I lose all inhibitions. I truly let go of any control I have managed and JUST GO. I went to a YL dance on Saturday and boy did I dance. I am insanely sore from it still (probably not a good sign lol) but the soreness brings back the memories of pure joy and reminds me how grateful I am for a body that can just go ballistic.

Hardship is necessary. We need to hurt and feel pain. It allows for us to be vulnerable and real with others. We are all in this together. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

So with the sorrow, I will celebrate. I'm not done yet. There's many more holidays to be spent with my cousins playing dominos. I'll walk on the beach with my grandpa. I've got to finish Gilmore Girls! I will bask in the glory of more sunrises at Devils Head and more sunsets at Flagstaff. I've got to dance the nights away at my best friends weddings. My mom and I still have plenty of walks to take the dog on. I still need to live on the edge and get a Route 44 sized Sonic slush.  There is a future that will be lived and I'm not taking any moment for granted ever again.

xo
Hannah

So Good, So Soon

 I've been itching to write lately. The itch is powered purely by avoidance and my lack of desire to study for finals, but what else is new.

Exactly a year ago, I wrote this post. I was reading it this evening and couldn't believe the parallel. I am torn in two now, like I was last year. I am so going to miss living in Smith South Third with so many of my close friends so incredibly close by, but I am also so excited to be home for the summer. I felt like last year was a close to my childhood days, and I now feel like the end of this year is another close. It's like last year was the end of first edition of Hannah's Life, and at the start of this year, the second edition began, but this year is the end of the first chapter. The thing is, this first chapter has done a fair job shaping me for the next chapters in this edition. Granted, nothing is set in stone, but without second edition chapter one Hannah, there wouldn't be a chapter two. Life is just this big long domino effect, ultimately ending with happiness. 

Currently, I've really been into this song. It completely moved me to tears the first time I heard it.

It's grounding me through this stress. Unlike last year, I have not been putting the stress aside. It has completely consumed me, but it's also what's pushing me through.  Finals are five days away and I am up to my neck, finishing up the semester's workload and studying. The sounds are just glorious, the meaning is beautiful, and I love that it's based on the theme of "Gabriel's Oboe" because that makes me think of Christmas time.

Right now, it's about surviving. Remembering to breathe. To still say yes. And to sleep.

Over and out blog world. Next time I come around, I will have finished my first year of college!

xo
Hannah

18 Things I Learned at 18

Today, I am savoring my last day of 18, my best year yet. 2014 as a whole was great, but my 18th year was just wow. When I really think back to a year ago today, and then situate myself back into reality, I get goosebumps. It has been quite the whirlwind, and everything has changed. I think this is the first year where I do feel older, and a little bit different. I am more sure of who I am and what a wonderful feeling that is.

18 has been the most telling year yet. I learned a lot about myself, life, and the value that comes with it. Here's 18 things that have really became apparent to me this past year.

1. Accept and embrace change, arms wide open.

18 was the year of change. I left home and was a new, independent adult. There's no doubt that change is hard, however, being open to new experiences and opportunities will make the transition SO much easier.

2. The homework will always get finished, so go be with your friends. You don't have forever to always be with each other.

I especially learned this in the past few months. As an honors student, I spent way too much time focused on my school work. While that is most certainly still a priority, time is something you don't get back. Make the most it always. So go talk with your friends and laugh until the early hours of the morning. You will get the homework done eventually, I promise.

3. Take care of yourself. Your health is in your hands.

Eat healthy, run, be active. Begin practicing healthy habits NOW.

4. Be there for your friends. Friendship is a two-way street.

Always have your door open, tissues ready, and food at hand. Listen, listen, listen! Being a friend is the absolute best gift you could ever give.

5. Time management is vital.

Yes, hang out with your friends and family. But also don't wait to start a paper hours before it is due. Time management is the key to a life with less stress.

6. Don't be so damn hard on yourself!

You are your biggest critic. Just be proud of yourself. Try hard, make mistakes, live with grace.

7. Call your parents at least three times a week.

Thank them for all they have done for you.

8. It's okay to say no.

You don't have to please everyone, especially if that means compromising your own happiness.

9. You need people, and you also need to be alone.

Have your support system, but also learn to be happy alone. I personally thrive on alone time and need some space every now and then to rejuvenate. 

10. It is very important to treat yoself.

Personally, I enjoy Starbucks. Because I am quite basic.

11. Take pictures- you will cherish them forever.

Pictures are snapshots of moments, but the memories behind them mean so much more. That's what you will remember. The little details, the crazy stories, how you felt.

12. If you don't like something, do something about it.

You are in charge of your life. Stop complaining and do what you can to make the situation better.

13. Time flies, heals, and somehow works everything out.

Just let it happen.

14. DANCE IT OUT!

Move your body in crazy ways and reality sorta disappears. It's awesome.

15. Even when it doesn't seem like it, everything happens for a reason.

So cliche, I know. But hey, it's true, there's no arguing it. Sometimes, you know the reason immediately. Sometimes, you won't know for years. 

16. Instead of dreaming of the person you want to be, just be you.

This isn't always easy. Be the person you are, but also be the person you want to be. They will always mesh together once you get that perfect harmony.

17. Be vulnerable.

My life motto. Cry. Share your fears. Be honest. 

18. Cultivate kindness, find joy, love life.

Happy happy happy!

Thanks to every person who has made this past year the best! I will hold onto each moment, but also look with excitement to the future. Thank you 18, I love you.

xo

Hannah

What A Difference A Year Makes

One year ago, I shared with my family where I would be going to college.
Now I go to that college and love it.
WOW.


Tearjerker right here, folks.

I wish I had been the type of kid where it was easy to choose where to go to school. I wish I had a school that I just knew I wanted to go to, no questions asked. But, that just was not me. It was the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. I really did not know what I wanted, but I knew I wanted the best.

Something inside of me was just begging to leave, explore, and fly to somewhere new. I wanted to go to Washington or Oregon (not sure why the Pacific Northwest was so intriguing) and dip my toes in life there. My mom and dad did not. I knew they wanted me to stay in state for a handful of reasons, but I never understood why. It was actually one of THE most infuriating things in the world. I get it now, but I sure didn't back then. I definitely harbored some resentment for a while (sorry mom and dad). In state, I applied to DU and CU. I really didn't want to go to either. I really did not want to go to CU. I was much better than CU, way too good for that school. The thought of me going to CU seriously felt like such a disappointment. It was just CU, after all.

Oh Hannah.

In about mid to late February, I made my decision. I was not 100% sure about it, but after some serious prayer, soul searching, and reliance on my gut, I chose CU. I wanted to go to UW or Gonzaga, but there was some unease about going somewhere that far, so I figured, baby steps. I would do my undergrad for sure in Colorado, and then go to med school elsewhere. When I think about it now, I don't know why I thought I was ready to go out of state. Change is not always easy for me, especially a huge change like moving over a thousand miles away from the place I've called home for 18 years. So I would begin my journey into the "real world" in Boulder at CU.

Naturally, the first person I told where I had decided to go was Mackenzie. I won't bore with you the details of that melodramatic experience, but I'll never forget that conversation at our favorite Sonic stall. I was scheduled to go on a campus tour on March 7. It was a surreal experience. I knew I would be going to CU, but I had not told my parents so the whole time they were doing everything in their power to convince to choose it (lol). We had lunch with a family friend, who was a freshman, and my dad and I got a tshirt at the bookstore. I went home, had Mack come over, did a little fun photo shoot, and whipped up this video to share with my parents. They cried (which was of course my goal), and suddenly there was a plan for the future!

I wish I wouldn't have been so hard on myself for choosing CU. If I could go back in time, here's what I would have told myself (even though I probably wouldn't have listened to myself because I'm stubborn like that):

1. It is NOT just CU. 
As a Colorado student, you feel like you are just going to CU, the public university that everyone goes to. WRONG! While there is a chunk of kids from my high school that also go here, I rarely see them (thank god). Also, out of state kids pay almost $45,000/year to come here! CrAzY!!! CU is one of the top research universities, ranked up with the Ivy Leagues. In fact, several "trust fund kids" who can't buy their way into an Ivy will come here because it has that high of recognition.

2. It is the best thing ever being an hour from home.
Never underestimate how much you love your family. A lot of my high school peers were just itching to get out of Highlands Ranch. I never really had an issue with HR, but I did want to experience something. Regardless, leaving home and all of its familiarity gives you such an appreciation for it! I am so happy that my family is close by if I need them. Plus it's so nice to be able to go home without having to get on a plane. Mostly just because I have a difficult time packing;)

3. It is a party school, but you don't have to party.
CU has a notorious reputation as a party school. It is. But guess what? The partying really does not happen on campus. My dorm is really the anomaly because it's the honors dorm so it's quiet 99% of the time, but even in some of the other dorms, the partying is not particularly intense. I know Mackenzie deals with a lot more loudness and the smell of weed and vomit in the bathroom than me (well because I literally never deal with that), but she has told me time and time again, you just get used to it. Parties do not happen in the dorms. They happen at the frats and on The Hill. And there really is not a lot of pressure to be a partier. Because it is such a big school, you are more than likely to find other kids like you who DON'T want to go get wasted and high every weekend. The kids who come here to party don't make it- they flunk out. CU is not easy, bringing me to my next point...

4. CU is academically challenging!
I didn't ever really think CU would be a cake walk, but I figured a lot of stupid kids went there so it couldn't be that bad. Well, it is true that a lot of stupid kids do go here but that actually works out because they help with the curve;) I truly thought I was better than CU. Turns out, I'm not. You have to work hard and study and go in to office hours; you are here to prove yourself.

5. Big is okay.
For a while, I thought I wanted to go to a smaller school because I enjoy getting to know my teachers and have them know me. What's great about CU is there are some smaller classes where you still get that experience, but there's also large lectures, which are great because you can just sit and absorb and be a face in the crowd. Even with the large lectures, you have plenty of opportunity to get close to your professor or TAs and get individualized attention.  The huge campus sometimes sucks in the snow, but I walk a minimum of 4 miles a day so yay for health! You have to find your place, which I promise you will.

I actually can't believe how much I love CU. I was walking into the library yesterday morning and I saw my reflection in the glass doors and I freaked out for a second because holy shoot, I looked like a college student. I AM a college student. I still can't get over it. I have the best friends ever here, I love my classes, I love my dorm, I love this independence, I love college. I hope you all enjoyed my pitch for CU because I sure do sound like a CU advertiser but I LOVE IT! I am actually sad that spring break is coming up because that means the end to my first year is nearly over and I don't think I'm ready for that. It's tough at times, but I am so, so, so happy that my heart feels like it might explode. Regardless to where you go, you just need to be happy. That's what is the most important thing. Find your place, and bloom.

xo
Hannah

Everybody Loves Somebody

So, so much love. One of my favorite relationships for sure

I can’t really find the words to start this post so I’m just going to ramble a little bit. Bear with me. A little while ago, I talked about how there’s the fine line when it comes to blogging about what's okay to share. Today though, I figured, “what the heck, let’s just dump it all out”. Thus, this post.

I am single.

My hands have always been up.  (If you understand what I mean, we are automatically best friends)

I ain’t got no Valentine.

I know there’s about a million articles out there that will talk about how great it is to be single. And I actually agree with a lot of them. I love my independence. I love alone time. I love that I can focus on myself (in the most non-narcissistic way possible). When it comes down to it, being single isn’t the worst thing in the world.

Humans crave connection. We need relationships. And gosh am I lucky because I do have some fantastic relationships. I have my best friends, old, new, and all the best, I have my family and they are by far the most amazing foundation, and ya know, I have my cat and dog and they’re pretty cute and great too. I do not lack relationships.

However, I cannot lie. There is very much a piece of me that yearns for a relationship. You know, the one with a guy. Where you go on dates, tell each other everything and anything, and are self-sacrificing. Where he’s te person that you listen to old soul love songs to and think of. The person who gives you all the butterflies! The person you want to experience all of life with. Oh how I dream of that spark.

But I am happy. There are times I wallow in my pity, usually with my fellow single ladies Mack, Christine, and Caroline. We watch sappy romantic comedies and dream up the days where we are the girl with some boy holding a radio over his head outside our window and sigh. But then we just blast some T-Swift and dance it out because life is pretty grand. 

I feel like society puts romantic relationships on a bit of a pedestal. While they are an important aspect to life, one that even God speaks of, they are not the end all be all. Being single doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me. It’s simply the season I am in at this point in life. It’s all in the timing.

As much as I want love, I have love. Right now, it’s just not the primary form that society is pushing. I am loved, there is no doubt in that, and I love. Life is only so long and I don’t have time to wish my life were any other way that it is in each moment. Here would be the appropriate place for me to insert a nice quote or Grey’s Anatomy monologue, but I won’t do that to you.

Just kidding. you knew I had to!

“At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now.”

Dramatic post, over and out.

xo
Hannah

Reflections of Then and Now

This really has nothing to do with this post, I just love the song. And it semi goes with my title.

Oh how I love these girls, Pearl Street, and warm winter days

The weather has been something wonderful lately. 60s, sunny, the air is fresh and slightly sweet, the birds are out chirping, there's a false sense of approaching summer. Really though, it has been great. I keep forgetting it is only February and the snow will come back eventually. Whenever I walk through campus, I feel like I am in this constant state of reflection. I'm always evaluating my life and what I can do to improve it but also how I can be happy with how it is. Sometimes I can't believe I am here. Each day shocks me.

Exactly one year ago today, I turned in my senior paper. The craziness was just beginning. I still had no idea where I was going to go to college and there was lots of tears while trying to figure it out. Days were filled with friends, Sonic, tennis, and that feeling that life as I knew it was going to be ending far too soon. Senioritis was in full swing.

And here we are today. I live in Boulder, have best friends that I love with all my heart, and am on a whole new level of independent. Yesterday I had three midterms, two back to back (and across campus, yikes) and I have one more this Thursday. I talk to my mom on the phone almost every day, never know exactly what I am having for dinner, live in about 90 square feet, sing with my friends in the shower (wow does that sound weird), and it's all up to me.

It's sort of insane how different things are. In these past six months, life as I knew it for 18 years, was completely changed. I suppose change is constant in life- maybe one of the only constant things- but these past six months have been like vigorously shaking a snow globe. Life is slowly settling back, but there's still little pieces of snow falling.

I really miss high school. I really hate to say that because I feel like once you're in college, you're supposed to think high school was the worst thing ever. But that's just not how it is for me. I was ready for new exciting adventures in college, and for some change, but I was never in a rush. I had the best high school experience a person could ask for. I idealize high school sometimes, but when I really think about it, I miss junior and senior year the most. My group of friends just kept getting closer (if that was even possible) and the rhythm of life beat on in sync to every move I made. There were hiccups along the way and it's hilarious to recall those now. In the end, the good really does outweigh the bad, since I'm always reminiscing the good. I just want to SCREAM to all the seniors who are counting down the days until graduation and saying they just want to be in college, SLOW DOWN. STOP. SAVOR EVERY MOMENT. LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!!!!!

Mackenzie and I concluded tonight that freshman year of college is NOT supposed to be the best. Sure it's great, but... You're adjusting. You're trying to find your place. You're making friends. You don't even know what to do with all the independence you're just handed. When I think back on it, I did not love freshman year of high school. Things simply get better with time, and age. Plus who wants to peak at freshman year?

SO there's all my emotions for the week! Just kidding, I'll be back on Valentine's Day to share my truths on love and what it is and what it means. We're getting deep this week. Except for a happy High Five for Friday post because life ain't always about digging around and figuring out all the innards.

I do just want to reiterate that I do LOVE college with all my heart and am so thankful everyday for each opportunity and am so so so HAPPY! Probably the happiest I have ever been! Life is simply bittersweet. This post made it sound like I am miserable and hate life. False. Just a person who likes to lay out all their feelings on the Internet. ;)

xo
Hannah

2015 & Round Two

A beautiful morning back in Boulder // via

I'm baaccckkkk! At school and blogging. Wow what a wonderful break it was. I sure did soak up every relaxing moment there was. And I am so terribly sad it's over.

College has really made me realize how much I love home and my family and all that is familiar. I do love it here in Boulder. I love my friends, classes are interesting, and it's a great city. I wish I was the kind of kid that wanted to go back to school. But home is heaven for me. I knew it would be more difficult coming back this time around because we had such a long break but that still didn't make it easy. The first 24-48 hours are rough. It's hard enough to get back into the swing of school and that routine, but then I miss tidbits of home. It's just part of growing up and moving on and what not but it still sucks.

I have gone to all of my new classes for this semester and it's going to be a great, but very busy semester. I'm taking calculus this semester and though I'm trying to be positive about it, I'm not too thrilled to be taking it. Even though I took a year and a half of it in high school, it's a five credit course that has a horrible reputation (for good reason) around campus. Bio seems like it will be more interesting because we do some animal physiology, which turns out to be body systems- my favorite! In lab we will dissect a fetal pig and a sheep eyeball so I'm pretty thrilled about that. Especially because I have dissected both of those before so I guess you could say I'm an expert;) But we also have to do ecology and all that makes me think of is APES. Ick.  Music in American Culture seems like it's going to be fun- the professor is really upbeat and completely passionate about what he does. Then there's Disabilities in Contemporary Societies. It's to fulfill a core requirement but I think it will be interesting and I'll gain some perspective. I blocked my schedule this semester so I go for a few hours straight every day and get done earlier than last semester! It's so wonderful. Plus I'm always happy to be back with my girls. How did I get so lucky to have the best floor ever?

The start of 2015 had a slow and steady start. I rang in the new year with some sparkling cider and a big cyst on my ovary (tmi? maybe, oh well, it's really no secret anymore. just keeping it real over here) 10/10 would not recommend the cyst but it happens and it sucks but I got to be at home, resting with my dog, watching Netflix.  I started rewatching Grey's Anatomy and OH MY GOODNESS I forgot how much I love the show. I know, I know, it's such a dramatic non-realistic show but good golly it's good. If you haven't watched it than you can't judge! Watching it for the millionth time just makes me feel like I'm family with all the characters;)

Since I spent a good chunk of my time just laying around, my mind would wander, leading me to scroll through my Bloglovin feed and read all my favorite blogs. I realized something while reading most everyone's new year posts: the world really seems to love the new year. To many, it's a new slate, a fresh start, a time to be born again. Everyone wants to transform themselves and be all these things. January 1, I'm going to be the person I dream to be!

I really started to think about life and the new year and resolutions. Well what about the person you are now? I think the new year is a great time to reflect. But I think that there is something about simply being happy with who you are. Where you are is where you're supposed to be. I don't feel like one should have to completely alter to achieve a certain goal.

I'm not against resolutions. I for one want to run more this year and start to go to yoga. But I don't think resolutions are the time to determine how you will become your "perfect" self. To me, the new year is about self-reflection. It's about seeing who you are, why you are that person, how you go to be that person, and finding the beauty and value in it all. Life is a journey and each year is a stepping stone.

So here we go, full speed ahead. I'm looking forward to another full, wonderful year. New adventures, new friends, and new experiences!

xo
Hannah