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| I know for most people, hospitals aren't happy places. But in those hallways of heartbreak, there is also hope. In the waiting rooms of agony, there is answer. As much pain occurs amongst those walls, there is also peace. |
The past three weeks have been a whirlwind. I have never been so completely out of control of my life. I have been thinking back to a month ago, when the semester was just starting. I had this gut feeling that it was going to be a great semester, that good things were going to happen. Classes seemed interesting, friends were great, it was all just steady and I was content. Then this crazy thing called life happened.
My cousin died, which has left with me grief to muddle through. Then my grandpa had some complications from a surgery which have drastically changed what the next few months of his life will look like. For a girl who's family is her rock of Gibraltar, I feel shaken, to say the least.
It's pretty crazy how quickly things can change. I've realized yet again how comfortable life can really be and how the normal is too easily taken for granted. Friday night before my grandpa got sick, I had started to write a blog post. Life felt like it was on an upswing and while my heart still mourned the loss of Ben, things were continuing on.
It's Friday night at 10:30, I'm in my pajamas sitting on my bed, my favorite Anthropologie candle is lit, I went to breakfast with friends this morning, I got to see Grammy and Poppop, Mackenzie and I saw "The Choice" (10/10 would recommend), John Mayer is serenading me, it's the recipe for perfection. Today was a good day.
Ah, just a glimpse. Now is one of those times where life is best looked at day by day. Just like every other person in America, my life is crazy! What a novelty, I know, another person with a hectic life. My world has seemed to spin out of orbit and I'm just trying to find a new equilibrium. Every minute of every day has been utilized because it has to be. The emotions I had mastered suppressing are flowing out like a fountain. I have been forced to look at myself, my life, and how I perceive things and good gosh, it's exhausting!
Little did I know when I was writing this how even more out of orbit my world was about to spin. Last week, I cried more times and in more places (ex: walking to class). Sometimes, it just doesn't feel fair and there's no one to blame.
I think all these little tragedies paired with my incessant listening of "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack (can I have an amen hallelujah for early 2000s music?) have left me with a heaping dose of perspective. I kick myself that crap has to happen for me to be more appreciative of my life, but alas it does.
As cheese ball as it is, I have realized I want to "dance" more. Because dancing isn't just taking opportunity, it's living with everything you got. For me, actual dancing is when I lose all inhibitions. I truly let go of any control I have managed and JUST GO. I went to a YL dance on Saturday and boy did I dance. I am insanely sore from it still (probably not a good sign lol) but the soreness brings back the memories of pure joy and reminds me how grateful I am for a body that can just go ballistic.
Hardship is necessary. We need to hurt and feel pain. It allows for us to be vulnerable and real with others. We are all in this together. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.
So with the sorrow, I will celebrate. I'm not done yet. There's many more holidays to be spent with my cousins playing dominos. I'll walk on the beach with my grandpa. I've got to finish Gilmore Girls! I will bask in the glory of more sunrises at Devils Head and more sunsets at Flagstaff. I've got to dance the nights away at my best friends weddings. My mom and I still have plenty of walks to take the dog on. I still need to live on the edge and get a Route 44 sized Sonic slush. There is a future that will be lived and I'm not taking any moment for granted ever again.
xo
Hannah
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