Reflections of Then and Now

This really has nothing to do with this post, I just love the song. And it semi goes with my title.

Oh how I love these girls, Pearl Street, and warm winter days

The weather has been something wonderful lately. 60s, sunny, the air is fresh and slightly sweet, the birds are out chirping, there's a false sense of approaching summer. Really though, it has been great. I keep forgetting it is only February and the snow will come back eventually. Whenever I walk through campus, I feel like I am in this constant state of reflection. I'm always evaluating my life and what I can do to improve it but also how I can be happy with how it is. Sometimes I can't believe I am here. Each day shocks me.

Exactly one year ago today, I turned in my senior paper. The craziness was just beginning. I still had no idea where I was going to go to college and there was lots of tears while trying to figure it out. Days were filled with friends, Sonic, tennis, and that feeling that life as I knew it was going to be ending far too soon. Senioritis was in full swing.

And here we are today. I live in Boulder, have best friends that I love with all my heart, and am on a whole new level of independent. Yesterday I had three midterms, two back to back (and across campus, yikes) and I have one more this Thursday. I talk to my mom on the phone almost every day, never know exactly what I am having for dinner, live in about 90 square feet, sing with my friends in the shower (wow does that sound weird), and it's all up to me.

It's sort of insane how different things are. In these past six months, life as I knew it for 18 years, was completely changed. I suppose change is constant in life- maybe one of the only constant things- but these past six months have been like vigorously shaking a snow globe. Life is slowly settling back, but there's still little pieces of snow falling.

I really miss high school. I really hate to say that because I feel like once you're in college, you're supposed to think high school was the worst thing ever. But that's just not how it is for me. I was ready for new exciting adventures in college, and for some change, but I was never in a rush. I had the best high school experience a person could ask for. I idealize high school sometimes, but when I really think about it, I miss junior and senior year the most. My group of friends just kept getting closer (if that was even possible) and the rhythm of life beat on in sync to every move I made. There were hiccups along the way and it's hilarious to recall those now. In the end, the good really does outweigh the bad, since I'm always reminiscing the good. I just want to SCREAM to all the seniors who are counting down the days until graduation and saying they just want to be in college, SLOW DOWN. STOP. SAVOR EVERY MOMENT. LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!!!!!

Mackenzie and I concluded tonight that freshman year of college is NOT supposed to be the best. Sure it's great, but... You're adjusting. You're trying to find your place. You're making friends. You don't even know what to do with all the independence you're just handed. When I think back on it, I did not love freshman year of high school. Things simply get better with time, and age. Plus who wants to peak at freshman year?

SO there's all my emotions for the week! Just kidding, I'll be back on Valentine's Day to share my truths on love and what it is and what it means. We're getting deep this week. Except for a happy High Five for Friday post because life ain't always about digging around and figuring out all the innards.

I do just want to reiterate that I do LOVE college with all my heart and am so thankful everyday for each opportunity and am so so so HAPPY! Probably the happiest I have ever been! Life is simply bittersweet. This post made it sound like I am miserable and hate life. False. Just a person who likes to lay out all their feelings on the Internet. ;)

xo
Hannah

2015 & Round Two

A beautiful morning back in Boulder // via

I'm baaccckkkk! At school and blogging. Wow what a wonderful break it was. I sure did soak up every relaxing moment there was. And I am so terribly sad it's over.

College has really made me realize how much I love home and my family and all that is familiar. I do love it here in Boulder. I love my friends, classes are interesting, and it's a great city. I wish I was the kind of kid that wanted to go back to school. But home is heaven for me. I knew it would be more difficult coming back this time around because we had such a long break but that still didn't make it easy. The first 24-48 hours are rough. It's hard enough to get back into the swing of school and that routine, but then I miss tidbits of home. It's just part of growing up and moving on and what not but it still sucks.

I have gone to all of my new classes for this semester and it's going to be a great, but very busy semester. I'm taking calculus this semester and though I'm trying to be positive about it, I'm not too thrilled to be taking it. Even though I took a year and a half of it in high school, it's a five credit course that has a horrible reputation (for good reason) around campus. Bio seems like it will be more interesting because we do some animal physiology, which turns out to be body systems- my favorite! In lab we will dissect a fetal pig and a sheep eyeball so I'm pretty thrilled about that. Especially because I have dissected both of those before so I guess you could say I'm an expert;) But we also have to do ecology and all that makes me think of is APES. Ick.  Music in American Culture seems like it's going to be fun- the professor is really upbeat and completely passionate about what he does. Then there's Disabilities in Contemporary Societies. It's to fulfill a core requirement but I think it will be interesting and I'll gain some perspective. I blocked my schedule this semester so I go for a few hours straight every day and get done earlier than last semester! It's so wonderful. Plus I'm always happy to be back with my girls. How did I get so lucky to have the best floor ever?

The start of 2015 had a slow and steady start. I rang in the new year with some sparkling cider and a big cyst on my ovary (tmi? maybe, oh well, it's really no secret anymore. just keeping it real over here) 10/10 would not recommend the cyst but it happens and it sucks but I got to be at home, resting with my dog, watching Netflix.  I started rewatching Grey's Anatomy and OH MY GOODNESS I forgot how much I love the show. I know, I know, it's such a dramatic non-realistic show but good golly it's good. If you haven't watched it than you can't judge! Watching it for the millionth time just makes me feel like I'm family with all the characters;)

Since I spent a good chunk of my time just laying around, my mind would wander, leading me to scroll through my Bloglovin feed and read all my favorite blogs. I realized something while reading most everyone's new year posts: the world really seems to love the new year. To many, it's a new slate, a fresh start, a time to be born again. Everyone wants to transform themselves and be all these things. January 1, I'm going to be the person I dream to be!

I really started to think about life and the new year and resolutions. Well what about the person you are now? I think the new year is a great time to reflect. But I think that there is something about simply being happy with who you are. Where you are is where you're supposed to be. I don't feel like one should have to completely alter to achieve a certain goal.

I'm not against resolutions. I for one want to run more this year and start to go to yoga. But I don't think resolutions are the time to determine how you will become your "perfect" self. To me, the new year is about self-reflection. It's about seeing who you are, why you are that person, how you go to be that person, and finding the beauty and value in it all. Life is a journey and each year is a stepping stone.

So here we go, full speed ahead. I'm looking forward to another full, wonderful year. New adventures, new friends, and new experiences!

xo
Hannah

The Thing About Failure

via

Most people go through life accentuating their successes, the positive things in their world. Their perfect ACT scores, their 4.0 GPA, their winning point at a sports game, the large amount of money they make. We as humans try to mask our mistakes, our failures because we are afraid of others reactions. But failure, in so many forms, makes us so much better.

I still remember my first 'big failure'. I'm a big time perfectionist, but have only recently learned to live with grace. Academics are where I strive for the best, and know now perfection is not always attainable. It was a freshman English reading quiz on "Huck Finn". Our teacher had told us beforehand that we would most likely have a reading quiz everyday. I diligently read the first few chapters for homework, reading each word, absorbing the book like a sponge. I annotated, and later reviewed SparkNotes to go over any key points I missed. It was the first quiz in my honors English class and I felt the need to prove myself to my teacher.

Then the quiz happened. Yikes. There were questions that everyone were boggling everyone. I was so stressed out when I didn't know the answer, despite my best efforts to prepare. We scored each other's quizzes and I remember the pit in my stomach when I saw I had got a 4 out of 10. English was my best subject! I had read! The quiz went into the gradebook as a very small portion of my grade and did not impact my overall grade at all for the semester. But that one little failure helped me through the rest of high school and the failures I've had along the way.

Failure is sometimes inevitable even for the best of us. Sometimes, no matter how much you study or go over the chapter, it just might not be your thing. I can remember countless tests and quizzes from chemistry to European history to calculus that did not necessarily reflect my strongest grades, despite hours and hours of studying. But they taught me it is okay to have a little bump in the road.

But failure does not just come in the form of tests at school, it comes in several other forms. Friendships and responsibilities fail too. As a daughter, I know their are times where I've messed up. I know when I've hurt my parents, and when I've slacked on my household responsiblities. And boy, I feel the guilt. But these times of failure have only made my relationship stronger with my parents.

High school has truly taught me about friendship, the revolving door. You may start out with a lot of 'friends', but as time goes on, people leave. Then you're left with some friends, but even with the ones you thought would spin in circles with you forever, eventually find a new door with new opportunities with people who they better relate to. And then you're left with your true blues, as you spin and spin around with, until you're dizzy, laughing and enjoying your time together that's gone by too fast.
I have had friendships fail, and bring me to a raw pain.  It hurts, it's loss. I can argue all day long whether or not it was the fault of one or the other, or I can come to realize you cannot change failure. It happens, and it's done. But you can decide how you react to it and how you learn from it.

When people say the little things that you fail don't matter, it's true. That history quiz you bombed? In twenty years, it's not going to determine who you are. The math test that wasn't too hot isn't going to make you any less hot. The small failures in life are some of the easiest. They set us up so we can learn to accept what may come in the future. I used to work myself into such a frenzy over these little things; if I failed this test, then it will lead to me failing the class, which will lead to me having a bad GPA, which will lead to me going to a bad college, which lead to less opportunities, which will lead to a bad life... It's a vicious cycle. But there is much bigger, life changing failures out there... a divorce, a miscarriage, foreclosure. These failures are not to blame anyone, we can't always control the way things work out in life. Just remember that with each small failure now will come a softened blow, and multiple later successes.

I do not ever wish for the reversal of these failures. I have a whole new level of awareness. They have happened for a reason. I have grown as a person because of them. They taught me not just about life, but about me, and what truly matters. Emily Dickinson's wise words again resonate in my life, as she reminds us "Success is counted sweetest/ By those who ne'er succeed". Find your silver linings, lovelies. Happy Tuesday.

xo
Hannah

Figurative Friday

Keepin' it real in my fancy figurative Friday attire. And the stereotypical deuces and duck face, because I SUCK at selfies.

My favorite blogger, Bon, is a high school English teacher. (always makes me wonder if any of my teachers have a blog!) I always love to read what she's teaching her kids, or the funny stories about her students, as there are times when I'm pretty sure the same stuff happens in my English class.

Anyways, today she posted about May and the end of the school year. It's like a figurative Friday. We get up and the birds are chirping and it smells so good when you walk to your car in the morning, and when you're walking into school, you just keep sniffing in the wonderful air. The grass is green and calling everyone to come out! Except, it's May. The end of the school year. The students are done. The teachers are done. We're all ready to break out and do nothing! BUT

there's still essays to be written. homework to be finished. projects to be worked on. tests to be taken. AP exams to annihilate. finals to suffer.

Last night was the beginning of the cycle. The tortrous cycle. Where I get home, and sit on my bed. And nap, or eat snacks, or dance in the basement, but overall, do nothing. Then I realize, oh shoot, there's STUFF TO BE DONE! So I do a little Spanish, or a little English, or some physics. And then get in a good hour or two of AP studying. And get to bed nice and early at the usual 12 or 12:30.

Stress is sorta high, but it's a figurative Friday! Who even cares! (hahahaha I really truly do care)

xo
Hannah

PS- I just had to share this! It is hilarious! And true true true! Love all three of these actresses! They know what being single is all about!

Keeping It Real

The one thing I always forget about the tennis season is how much time it sucks up. I love love love playing, but sometimes it really sucks when you have a dozen other things to do too. ACT tutoring, babysitting, NHS meetings, matches, more babysitting, life just goes by quickly. So I've proclaimed myself the worst blogger ever. I've got to catch up but I don't even know if that will happen this weekend! But spring break is a week away, so then I will get everything sorted out!

So tonight, I'm keeping things real on the bloggity blog. Because life is beautiful, but sometimes a scene of it is messy. (oh my gosh I am so sleep deprived)

This is what my life was looking like up to 11pm.  

Hahahahaha oh my gosh that's embarrassing.

So I turned on some music and did a quick clean.
And this is now my view from my cleared off, clean, most comfortable bed.

...and those are all the pictures I got before my camera battery died. But now I'm in bed, watching Netflix, and it's before midnight. Can I get an amen?

xo
Hannah

PS: Yeah, my pictures suck. I really need a new camera. But guess who's birthday is almost a week away! :)