The Thing About Failure

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Most people go through life accentuating their successes, the positive things in their world. Their perfect ACT scores, their 4.0 GPA, their winning point at a sports game, the large amount of money they make. We as humans try to mask our mistakes, our failures because we are afraid of others reactions. But failure, in so many forms, makes us so much better.

I still remember my first 'big failure'. I'm a big time perfectionist, but have only recently learned to live with grace. Academics are where I strive for the best, and know now perfection is not always attainable. It was a freshman English reading quiz on "Huck Finn". Our teacher had told us beforehand that we would most likely have a reading quiz everyday. I diligently read the first few chapters for homework, reading each word, absorbing the book like a sponge. I annotated, and later reviewed SparkNotes to go over any key points I missed. It was the first quiz in my honors English class and I felt the need to prove myself to my teacher.

Then the quiz happened. Yikes. There were questions that everyone were boggling everyone. I was so stressed out when I didn't know the answer, despite my best efforts to prepare. We scored each other's quizzes and I remember the pit in my stomach when I saw I had got a 4 out of 10. English was my best subject! I had read! The quiz went into the gradebook as a very small portion of my grade and did not impact my overall grade at all for the semester. But that one little failure helped me through the rest of high school and the failures I've had along the way.

Failure is sometimes inevitable even for the best of us. Sometimes, no matter how much you study or go over the chapter, it just might not be your thing. I can remember countless tests and quizzes from chemistry to European history to calculus that did not necessarily reflect my strongest grades, despite hours and hours of studying. But they taught me it is okay to have a little bump in the road.

But failure does not just come in the form of tests at school, it comes in several other forms. Friendships and responsibilities fail too. As a daughter, I know their are times where I've messed up. I know when I've hurt my parents, and when I've slacked on my household responsiblities. And boy, I feel the guilt. But these times of failure have only made my relationship stronger with my parents.

High school has truly taught me about friendship, the revolving door. You may start out with a lot of 'friends', but as time goes on, people leave. Then you're left with some friends, but even with the ones you thought would spin in circles with you forever, eventually find a new door with new opportunities with people who they better relate to. And then you're left with your true blues, as you spin and spin around with, until you're dizzy, laughing and enjoying your time together that's gone by too fast.
I have had friendships fail, and bring me to a raw pain.  It hurts, it's loss. I can argue all day long whether or not it was the fault of one or the other, or I can come to realize you cannot change failure. It happens, and it's done. But you can decide how you react to it and how you learn from it.

When people say the little things that you fail don't matter, it's true. That history quiz you bombed? In twenty years, it's not going to determine who you are. The math test that wasn't too hot isn't going to make you any less hot. The small failures in life are some of the easiest. They set us up so we can learn to accept what may come in the future. I used to work myself into such a frenzy over these little things; if I failed this test, then it will lead to me failing the class, which will lead to me having a bad GPA, which will lead to me going to a bad college, which lead to less opportunities, which will lead to a bad life... It's a vicious cycle. But there is much bigger, life changing failures out there... a divorce, a miscarriage, foreclosure. These failures are not to blame anyone, we can't always control the way things work out in life. Just remember that with each small failure now will come a softened blow, and multiple later successes.

I do not ever wish for the reversal of these failures. I have a whole new level of awareness. They have happened for a reason. I have grown as a person because of them. They taught me not just about life, but about me, and what truly matters. Emily Dickinson's wise words again resonate in my life, as she reminds us "Success is counted sweetest/ By those who ne'er succeed". Find your silver linings, lovelies. Happy Tuesday.

xo
Hannah