I Am Alive

Life is swell, yall

Greetings friends. I figured after a month of radio silence I would poke on over to the blog to alert you all I am alive. I've had this blog for four whole years (happy 4th blogiversary to me!) and have truly loved pouring into it.

Blogging is something that has slowly declined over the years, not just for myself, but for many of those I follow. One of my favorites, Natalie of Hey Natalie Jean, just bid adieu, breaking my heart, but at the same, receiving my utmost understanding. These days, most people "blog" via Instagram, which is super sweet, but oh man is there such weight in an actual blog post.

I'm not done with my blogging days, but I'm certainly trying to determine which direction I'm headed with this. oh the drama.

It's honestly just laziness that has gotten the best of me, but there is also a fair amount of what do I say?!?!  that goes on in the blogging block of my brain. I already know how much I will regret not blogging more in the past year because I love reading my old posts and remembering bits of life, but life has picked up and I am busier. Oh well, I suppose my journals may fill in some of the blanks, but probably not since those are just even more dramatic versions of my thoughts.

So what has happened in the past month? I know you're dying to know.

I completed my second year of college and am so freaking happy I made it out alive with a decent GPA.

I moved back home for the summer. For some people, they would be sad. Not me! I so love being home!

Hanny the nanny is back in action!

I've only run into Mackenzie in a matching outfit once. But I have been called my nanny child's mother twice.

I spent five days working my tail end off in the mountains getting YoungLife camp ready for my cherubic (lol) 6th graders in August. It was the best week ever, even if some old guys thought I was a guy.

Guys, who watches Grey's Anatomy still? Because after that season finale, I'm just SO wanting Japril to be back together! And also Arizona?! wow what a gal.

Also, watched the movie Concussion. SO good. Loved all the pathology. 10/10 recommend.

I'm in the process of purchasing tickets to Florence + the Machine to see later this week.

I read the weirdest thread of comments on Facebook regarding colon cleanses. TMI means nothing to quite a few people, obviously.

I have a few online shopping carts filled with various clothing items I "need" to make up for the 50lbs of clothes I decided to get rid of upon moving back into my room. Because I definitely need 3 more black and white stripe shirts.

I have been very much enjoying catching up on TV shows that I actually watch on the TV, not my iPad. Personally loving the newest season of Little People Big World, but I am partial to Audrey Roloff, so bias bias bias.

Summertime is great, friends. Bring on more warm days, long nighttime walks, and popsicles forever!


Hopefully I'll be back soon, friends.
xo
Hannah

Good Grief

It’s been three months now since my cousin, Ben, passed away. There are still moments where I am caught off guard, as my mind wanders, and I realize I will never see him again. I think of his voice, his laugh, of some of my memories with him, and that makes me so unbelievably sad. But here’s the honest truth: Ben and I were never super close. We were closer when we were kids, but grew into very different people over the years. Blood and age were our common bond. I’m not going to pretend like we were best friends who always talked and had intertwined lives. In fact, we were the furthest thing from it. The last time I saw Ben was on Christmas. We barely had a conversation. The last interaction we had was when we were helping my grandma clean up and were putting away the rum that some of adults had added to their eggnog. He joked with his little sister that he had put some in her cup, and then I asked if he would put some in mine too. We laughed, and that was that. 

Ben’s death left us all grieving. I am devastated by the loss in our family and how there will always be a hole, an ache that nothing will fix.  I hate the sadness the people I love so much feel. I know things will never be the same and we will never "get over it". 

I think it’s a very human thing to wonder what would happen if you were to unexpectedly die. Would I leave my "mark"? Who would come to the funeral, who would send their condolences, who would still feel wrecked months after? 

I remember once telling my friend that I would be so mad if people who weren’t super close to me acted like they were so sad by my death.

But Ben’s death has left me with a heaping dose of perspective. 

Again I say, Ben and I were not that close. Yet here I am, months later, still talking about it, still saddened by it. I’ve realized now that it’s not necessarily how close you are to a person that determines how their passing affects you. Death leaves a very unique impression on everyone. 

Since January 19th, my priorities have been completely shuffled and realigned with my heart. I think about what's important to me, what I will make sacrifices for, and there is peace. My decisions carry more weight with them, as they aren't made lightly. There's more balance between putting others first, and self care. Far less explanation when saying no. 

For me, Ben's death hasn't been this big "live each day like it's your last" scenario. It's been loving others the best I can. Allowing myself to relentlessly feel my emotions. Relishing the normal moments. More giving. Growing faith

It's the good grief. 

There is no timeline to grief, no limitations, no explanations. You feel it how you feel it. And I hope as you feel it, there is grace, there is peace, and eventually through it all,  there is goodness. 

xo

Hannah

Links + Loves

Mother freaking nature sure puts on one heck of a spring show

Halllooooo and happy Monday! Well is happy Monday actually a thing? Mondays are Mondays and I just don't think they're ever happy, more just motivational, which I really needed today since I woke up to the rain. But I bought myself some flowers and a latte, and got back a history midterm with a big old A at the top, so I can't say it was necessarily a bad Monday.

First and foremost, a shoutout to my clogs. They never got the blog attention they deserved. Bought them after hours of research (aka reading Grace's suggestions) and have never looked back. I may be the only 20-year old on the planet who loves Swedish wooden clogs but so be it.

I really love this video from Kate. Curling my hair is something I feel like I'm forever learning how to do correctly.

My dear friend Emma started a blog! I love, love this post about brunches in Boulder.  Mmm, if I could eat brunch everyday all day, I would.

A while ago, my mom sent me this article. Why yes, I do question my sanity all the live long day! But I can also tell you about each cranial nerve and the epithelium lining the esophagus or how to separate copper, barium, nickel, and manganese metal cations so that's pretty neat. Because obviously these tidbits of knowledge are useful in day to day life. #sarcasm

I've taken to working out right before bed. I was worried it would give me more energy/adrenaline but I assure you, I still fall asleep quite easily. I am loving this playlist to pump me up.

I got a new Fitbit Alta for my birthday! I love it SO much! I love that it has a watch function, I love that I can see exactly how many steps I've taken, but more than anything, I love that my texts/calls come through on it. During class, I put my phone on do not disturb, and have missed some important/time sensitive texts and calls. Now I can screen each message/call and it's freaking the bees knees.

I've got my eye on these Patagucci shorts.

I love stumbling across med student/residents Instagrams/blogs. Franish's is awesome and I love her day in the life posts.

Peeing. my. pants.

Guys, this is the perfect drapey v-neck. Old Navy does it yet again.

I think I'm going to have to head on over to Target to pick up these sandals for summer. I love the toe strap and that the simple laces.


Well now I should probably study some chemistry, seeing as I have an exam tomorrow. Solubility, crystal field theory, complex ions? I've got this. Or I will watch last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy. Decisions, decisions.

xo
Hannah

The Importance of Video

This past week's weather has been glorious! 70 degrees and sunny, a prelude to the best season to come, summer. I did quite a bit of driving this weekend (ok, not that much, but enough) and was listening to my Summer playlist folder on Spotify. It made me so nostalgic and so excited for summer, which is less than a month away for me! Cheers to finishing the semester on May 4th! One of my favorite Katie Herzig songs came on at one point and had me crying. With the sound of a song, I am instantly transported through time, and live through the memories from videos.

One drive to Sonic, senior year, at the light to turn onto Santa Fe, Mackenzie told me she was going to use the song "Summer" by Katie Herzig in the graduation video she was crafting. We listened to that song after the quick discussion, and then a few months later, when I was sitting poolside in San Diego, Mackenzie texted the link to the finished video.


We really went to Sonic a lot, Mackenzie ate a rancid graham cracker, wearing those blue gowns was surreal, I peed my pants (well, technically Mackenzie's lol) when Riley and Sierra jumped in the river, it was the best day of my life.

Details, details, I know. But these are details of something that happened two years ago that I can remember because they meant so much to me! And I equate this all the sweet gift of videos.

I first stumbled across the video sharing platform, Vimeo, my junior year. I watched a few different videos from similar people who all made "memory" videos, if you will. It was simply video footage from a specific event, usually with the voices and noise taken out, with music overlay. I was instantly inspired by the videos and was determined to become a video maker myself, especially since sentimental is my middle name. So, the first video I made was from the adventures of me and 5evers first day of summer.

Oh, it is shaky, oh it is the furthest thing from stunning HD quality footage, oh I added pictures in it. But it brings me right back to that day, as we hiked up the side of Jessica's mountain, ultimately resulting in Riley hurting her already injured knee, as we did spit takes off the porch, drinking Sprite out of plastic shot glasses while listening to LFMAO's "Shots" and Demi Lovato's "Something That We're Not", sleeping in the tent, watching "Sleepover".


People still don't always know what to do when they see I have my camera out and am clearly recording the current setting, but in the end life just happens and everyday moments are captured. And when it all comes together, it's the most incredible way to commemorate the past, while giving to the future.

I distinctly remember a conversation I had with my friend Kylee in 7th grade. I told her that I wished every minute of my life could be recorded so I could go back and watch it. She poignantly pointed out that if every minute was recorded, I would only get to live to the point where there was enough time for me to record enough and watch what I got. A pretty profound observation from a 13 year old. So my sweet little Vimeos fill my cup of desiring recorded moments.

I know there will be video from the day I get married, to the days my children are born. There will be video of the small things to, like trips to Sonic,

and afternoons at the ice rink

Growth and time will be visible




Cities are imprinted.








Time stands still, and it is all in perspective.


SO when words cannot be explained, and pictures do no do justice, I lean on video to tell the stories of the things in life that fill me up!

xo
Hannah

Photo Dump

Most of my posts on the blog lately have been more on the reflective side of life, which is always grand, but I do enjoy keeping this blog for the sake of posterity so a proper iPhone photo dump is proper business every now and then. So here's the latest photo novella of life February-March 2016

Donuts are my love language. 

Boulder, Colorado = wearing your Birks even when there's snow on the ground, because it's 65 and sunny

A rainy afternoon view 

Always love Mom's snaps, especially with Roberto

Ah, CU you are a beaut

YL Winter Dance with the one and only T-Mitch. Lawlz Mackenz

Perfect capture

Hiking the Flatties on Smack Mack's 20th BIRTHDAY!!!!

Woohoo nature

FREAKING WAITED SO LONG FOR THIS MOMENT

Faceswap keeps us all so enertained

Covered in powdered sugar or cocaine after YL? Hmm, you decide

Lit on the light of the world our man JC

SVVYL Banquet

My brother would be jealous. 

Most photogenic dog award goes to Bella

Nightmare inducing face swaps hahahahahhaha 

Hexagonal tiled floors, striped shirts, cute coffee shops, my Lotta clogs... all my favorite things 

Marvino teaching me about fouls and basketball and all that jazz

But not without a faceswap!

Seriously the cutest

I miss my favorite little humans! Who are getting SO big!

And one more faceswap to haunt your dreams

xo
Hannah

Friends Forever, Homework Whatever!

Horrible picture, but a favorite memory. Last year on daylight savings, we (unintentionally) stayed up talking through the night and were very thrown off when it went from 1:55am to 3am in a matter of minutes lol. 

I should really be studying for my stats exam right now. But instead, I'm here on Blogger. I've noticed lately there has been a lot of "I should be studying for ____, I should be doing ____ assignment" in my life, but instead I've been doing things that are more worthy of my time. Like last night.

This weekend was packed full of WL club, a high school basketball state championship, hanging out with my parents, a sleepover (and lots of Yahtzee and dominos) at Grammy and PopPop's, brunch and church with Gram, a mentor tea for a YL friend, and then dinner at the Walnut house (aka some friends house). I was able to sneak in some homework and studying here and there, but the majority of my time was spent with people that I love. 

Last night, Emma offered to make Mackenzie and I dinner, so we went over to her house and ate delicious lemon rosemary pasta and salad. Courtney and Melissa joined us, and the five of us spent the next six hours talking and talking and talking. There's a piece of me that misses living in the dorms because we all lived on the same floor and went to dinner together every night and were just with each other more! However, I think we can all agree we like having our own space and not wearing shower shoes more. In six hours, we discussed politics and the upcoming election. We talked about the Middle East and America's involvement overseas. We got deep and heavy and talked about the Holocaust, 9/11, and Columbine. We talked about genetics and the chances of blue eyed babies. We laughed about boys. We recalled our favorite old books, movies, and songs, and the weird ones too (The Neverending Story and Bunicula anyone??). We got giddy over the dreams of future engagements and weddings. We freaked out over government secrets and conspiracies. We sipped tea and ate the most divine brownies. We talked about waxing and the joys of being a woman. We dreamt of baby names and freaked out over the concept of motherhood. We face-swapped on Snapchat.  It was six, sweet hours of honest friendship. 

When Mackenzie and I finally got home, it was after 1am. We were beyond exhausted (thank you daylight savings) and mumbled about how we should have come home earlier and studied. But my cup was filled with happiness of being with my people. Last year, I was big into "the homework can wait, you don't get to live across the hall from your best friends forever!" and this year has really showed me what a gift that was. All of our lives have really picked up as sophomores and it's been so much more difficult to find those pockets of time to just be together, like we used to do at dinner in the C4C or brushing our teeth in the bathroom listening to Taylor Swift.  Friends forever, homework whatever! I'm not going to remember that on Sunday March 13, 2016, I should have come home earlier and studied statistics. I'm going to remember the conversations and laughs with my friends about the ins and outs of the world and life. 

So now, I should study. Four more days until spring break!

xo

Hannah

Seasons & Operas

Slightly dramatic picture, slightly dramatic post

Today was the weather was exceptionally "springy". It was overcast when I woke up and it rained/sorta hailed when I was walking to class. However, buds are covering trees and bushes and the grass is greening up again and the earth has a blooming smell to it. I spent most of the afternoon studying chemistry, and took the exam this evening. It's been a pretty good day, but just as the earth is doing its thing transitioning into the next season, I feel like life is too.

The past few weeks (but especially this weekend) I have been ridiculously nostalgic. I really, really miss my friends and family and the golden memories of high school. That feels crazy since high school was a good two years ago, but life has been so turbulent lately and honestly, pretty unstable, so I think I've just been clinging to my pieces of joy. I would give my arm and leg to go back to the freaking awesome surprise party the moms planned for us, or to Sonic stall 22, or to APUSH with Paisley, or to the tennis courts at the rec centers.

But at the same time, I'm so loving brunching with my gals, throwing myself into school, and learning the ropes of leading Wyldlife.

There is a magnet my mom keeps on the fridge at home that her grandma gave her. On it, there is a pumpkin surrounded by foliage and the words "To everything there is a season". Ecclesiastes 3:1,4 says "There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens... A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance". This is my season where in the most random of moments, there is a lump in my throat. It's the time where I wish I was with my family simply out of comfort. Honestly, I want to say "oh I'm learning this or understanding this" but I don't know! I'm not quite sure what all of this is, other than a heaping dose of perspective and a realignment of priorities.

When I was listening to my Classical Spotify playlist in the attempt to keep my brain on chemistry not lyrics, "Nessun Dorma" (also love this version!!!) came on. My taste in music is seriously so all over the place, as I enjoy indie folk to opera arias to occasional pop to piano sonatas. My mood is very determinate of my music and in moments of focus, operas and classical music is my drug of choice. Last night I was listening to the Carpenters, this morning I was listening to The 1975, this evening it was Jackie Evancho.

With opera and classical, the deepest, most intense emotions that we can't really make sense of with words alone are simply thundered out with instruments and vocals. There's a great TED talk (I wrote a few thoughts on it a few years ago back here) that explains how classical music is transformative and captures magic in the most unique of ways. Tragedy is made beautiful and stories are told in their raw. So I guess my current state of life is that of a transitioning season, and an opera- unpredictable and glorious, liberated emotion. Thanks for sticking with me through this muddled mess of thoughts.

xo
Hannah