Things Are About To Get WYLD!

This year, one of my words of the year was BRAVE. Over the course of the semester, I have been going through the process of training, applying, and being placed as a Younglife leader in Boulder Valley. It has been the ultimate leap of faith and has really forced me out of my comfort zone and into bravery.

It’s really difficult to describe what Younglife means to me. I still distinctly remember the first club I attended and the overwhelming peace it brought to me. Faith is a weird thing to describe because it is so different for each person. It was leading up to my senior year when my faith was renewed, strengthened, but also something that I struggled to share. It just wasn’t something my friends talked about and it wasn’t something I ever wanted to impose on anyone else. I knew it was all in His timing. So when I got to college and began to form friendships where faith was so integral, it was like things were coming full circle.

Younglife was still so new to me freshman year, and when the opportunity to go through leadership training arose, I knew I wasn't ready for that. It wasn’t a faith thing at that point, but more so feeling ready to be part of an organization that was still so new to me. 

When fall semester started up, at the first club, one of our leaders described a new student group they were working to kick start, Upperclassmen Leadership Team (ULT). I knew right away to sign up. I was ready to take the next step. I had spent some time thinking about if I would want to become a YL leader and knew this would help prepare my heart in the process, but it was still something Then one day in chemistry, my friend Christine told me, “Hannah, if you ever get the chance you should be a YL leader. I just know you would rock it”.  When she said this, it was the confirmation I needed to go forth with this journey. 

Leadership training began in January. The (very long, strenuous) application was due at the start of February. Interviews were the week after. Initially, I wanted to lead middle school. Then through all the craziness of class, applying, and interviews, I realized I really did not care and would be happy anywhere. I would be placed where it was meant to be. After interviews, we had to wait about 2 weeks for placement night. It was a long, long two weeks and I had no idea where I would be and I was DYING to know. 

"For the harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few" 

February 26th rolls around. I could hardly fall asleep the night before and I woke up at 7am so blasted excited. 

You see, the way placement night works is a pretty big secret. But it’s magical and emotional and just beautiful in every which way. 

Each team (middle school, high school, and college) has a need for a certain kind of person. It’s so neat that you are chosen for a specific school who needs you. I was called to serve middle schoolers in Longmont at a small charter school. Blessings upon blessings.

1. Longmont is where my mom was raised, and where my grandparents still live. Family is my everything and the fact that I am leading in a place with so many roots? Tender mercies.

2. I get to lead with an awesome girl, MB. We are the only college leaders at the school and get to really develop Wyldlife (what middle school YL is called) how we desire.

3. I lead in the same area as two of my favorite people- Caroline and Mackenzie! They lead at another middle school in Longmont.

I'm beyond thrilled for this new journey in my life! Hashtag getting lit on the light of the world 

xo

Hannah

Freedom & Glory

Today was a perfect 73 degrees. The warmth brought joy to many; the Norlin Quad was filled with people laying in the grass, every outside table and bench contained studying students, the birds were chirping. It is now raining. Odd for February, but it feels right. My window is cracked open, and the aroma of the wet world fills my room. The rain is not the sorrowful type, but the peaceful kind. The kind that reminds us to just breathe in each moment, and the kind that gets me thinking.

Last night, I found out a boy that I had graduated high school with took his own life. The tragedy has shattered my community. Pain and grief have consumed many. I am left with sadness for those who were close with him, his family, and him. I hate that there is so much stigma with depression, anxiety, any mental illness, especially in college. The current season of life that I am experiencing with my peers is full of pressure, of decisions, of stress. Research has proved that the amount of stress college-aged adults feel is at an all time high.

I stayed in tonight to study for a European history exam and a stats quiz as a few of my friends went to a worship night. The past few months I've come to realize that it is ok to say no and focus on school stuff when it is necessary, and not feel guilty. Right now, the French Revolution needed my attention. After a solid hour of studying, I did a quick scroll through Instagram. This picture that my favorite blogger posted really grabbed my attention.

Third graders really know what's up.

No big deal... the sun is still going to rise tomorrow

1. I am smart no matter what! 
I am smart! I am not my mistakes. 

2. No one will stop loving me and no one will be mad no matter how I do on the test.
Unconditional. Grace. Love.

3. I won't even remember this test!
Amen sista. Is this gonna matter in a week, a month, a year, five years? Probably not.

4. When I finish a question or section, let it go! 
 Let. It. Go! How much crap do we hold onto in our lives that just bogs us down? Too much. The deadweight burden weighs a ton. 

5. Don't try to be perfect!
 Ahh, perhaps my favorite. Don't try to be perfect. Because let's be real, you can't be perfect. And there's such freedom in that.

6. Take deep breaths!
 Breathe in, breathe out. Don't get so far ahead of yourself that you can't handle the present.

7. I know how to take the test!
You were born for this, baby! 

8. Bring a special something to wear or hold. 

 I love this sweet strategy. Comfort is so key.  

Lainey's test taking strategies are more of living life strategies if you ask me. These eight notes are all things we need to hear more often!

In this life, there is freedom and there is glory. Stress too often gets the best of us. Society makes us crack. But we get to make mistakes and still go on! It's a gift of true splendor. Someone recently told me, "You are not big enough to screw up your own life". Wow. If that's not freedom, I don't know what is. 

This is all just temporary. We're just trying to make it through, and we should never have to hide anything. Saying this in my best Jamaican accent, I promise you that every little thing is going to be alright. 

xo

Hannah

Perspective

I know for most people, hospitals aren't happy places. But in those hallways of heartbreak, there is also hope. In the waiting rooms of agony, there is answer. As much pain occurs amongst those walls, there is also peace. 

You know the phrase, "If you're going through hell, keep going"? Well I'm running, full throttle ahead.

The past three weeks have been a whirlwind. I have never been so completely out of control of my life. I have been thinking back to a month ago, when the semester was just starting. I had this gut feeling that it was going to be a great semester, that good things were going to happen. Classes seemed interesting, friends were great, it was all just steady and I was content. Then this crazy thing called life happened.

My cousin died, which has left with me grief to muddle through. Then my grandpa had some complications from a surgery which have drastically changed what the next few months of his life will look like. For a girl who's family is her rock of Gibraltar, I feel shaken, to say the least.

It's pretty crazy how quickly things can change. I've realized yet again how comfortable life can really be and how the normal is too easily taken for granted. Friday night before my grandpa got sick, I had started to write a blog post. Life felt like it was on an upswing and while my heart still mourned the loss of Ben, things were continuing on.

It's Friday night at 10:30, I'm in my pajamas sitting on my bed, my favorite Anthropologie candle is lit, I went to breakfast with friends this morning, I got to see Grammy and Poppop, Mackenzie and I saw "The Choice"  (10/10 would recommend), John Mayer is serenading me, it's the recipe for perfection. Today was a good day.

Ah, just a glimpse. Now is one of those times where life is best looked at day by day. Just like every other person in America, my life is crazy! What a novelty, I know, another person with a hectic life. My world has seemed to spin out of orbit and I'm just trying to find a new equilibrium. Every minute of every day has been utilized because it has to be. The emotions I had mastered suppressing are flowing out like a fountain. I have been forced to look at myself, my life, and how I perceive things and good gosh, it's exhausting!

Little did I know when I was writing this how even more out of orbit my world was about to spin. Last week, I cried more times and in more places (ex: walking to class). Sometimes, it just doesn't feel fair and there's no one to blame.

I think all these little tragedies paired with my incessant listening of "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack (can I have an amen hallelujah for early 2000s music?) have left me with a heaping dose of perspective. I kick myself that crap has to happen for me to be more appreciative of my life, but alas it does.

As cheese ball as it is, I have realized I want to "dance" more. Because dancing isn't just taking opportunity, it's living with everything you got. For me, actual dancing is when I lose all inhibitions. I truly let go of any control I have managed and JUST GO. I went to a YL dance on Saturday and boy did I dance. I am insanely sore from it still (probably not a good sign lol) but the soreness brings back the memories of pure joy and reminds me how grateful I am for a body that can just go ballistic.

Hardship is necessary. We need to hurt and feel pain. It allows for us to be vulnerable and real with others. We are all in this together. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

So with the sorrow, I will celebrate. I'm not done yet. There's many more holidays to be spent with my cousins playing dominos. I'll walk on the beach with my grandpa. I've got to finish Gilmore Girls! I will bask in the glory of more sunrises at Devils Head and more sunsets at Flagstaff. I've got to dance the nights away at my best friends weddings. My mom and I still have plenty of walks to take the dog on. I still need to live on the edge and get a Route 44 sized Sonic slush.  There is a future that will be lived and I'm not taking any moment for granted ever again.

xo
Hannah

San Diego, A Photo Novel

In January, Brandon and I set sail for San Diego to meet up with our dad to experience the convention he puts on, and also enjoy a mini winter vacation. We were only there for a long weekend, but we sure did a lot and made the most of our time in the warm weather.

Upon arriving Wednesday evening, we walked along the marina and enjoyed the balmy temperatures. We finally found my dad after about 30 minutes of walking and met some of the people he has taken on a summer conference. He's been doing it for 24 years now and it was neat to see how many lives he's impacted.

Thursday was a day packed full of fun. Brandon and I got up early to have breakfast and then hit up the San Diego Zoo. Guys, make it a priority in your life to go to the San Diego Zoo. It.is.awesome. The entire zoo is so clean and well-kept and the exhibits are out of this world. Obviously, we enjoyed seeing the pandas, arguably the main exhibit the Zoo is known for, but I'd have to say the flamingos were our favorite exhibit. They were hilarious.

Since the zoo is so huge (and full of hills ugh), they have these awesome sky trams to take you from the top to the bottom of the zoo. It was quite convenient and especially nice since there was no lines. Oh also, if you're gonna go to the zoo, go during the off-season for sure!

Balboa Park and the skyline in the background

After a few hours at the zoo, we went to the trade show, one of the main events of the convention. 

Brandon does not always enjoy my antics

Let me tell, I sure as heck felt like a fish out of water. #suburbsforlife But it was still cool to try some nasty molasses, look at tractors, learn about cattle tags and feed, and get some SWAG (stuff we all get). Oh and there was a magician who left me utterly confused and frustrated. As someone who loves logic, magic is just leaves me boggled. 

After the trade show, we hustled back to the hotel to get ready for a evening party on the USS Midway. Any history buff will love the Midway and its museum. It's truly incredible and the party was fan-freaking-tastic. There was free simulator rides, the best catered food I've ever tasted, and a USO band that had everyone swing dancing. I hung out with my cousins that I don't get to see nearly enough, which was such a treat. 

Classic Marv

We were exhausted by the end of the day to say the least. 

Friday, we went over to Coronado to enjoy the beach! Ugh, I love the beach so much. I am truly jealous of those who live so close to the ocean, it is my favorite sanctuary. Coronado is a gorgeous beach and it was super misty and salty and just peaceful. We met up with my aunt, uncle, and cousins, and oh man they were a hoot! They were searching for sand dollars and basically just ended up swimming in their clothes. Too good. 

Low quality selfie, high quality brother. Low quality caption, high quality Hannah

One day, I will stay at the Hotel del Coronado. It is lovely

Really my shirt says it all

Gotta love Aunt Susan 

as they would say "the back of yo head is ridiculous!"

 Before we left, I decided to get my feet wet once more. I looked down and wouldn't you know there was a sand dollar! Lucky day! Brandon found one a few minutes later. It was serendipitous, no doubt.

After beaching it, we went got some dinner and went to a Martina McBride concert. So much of my childhood was made up of Martina McBride songs so it was cool to see her in concert, and of course, even more fun to hang out with my cousins. Afterwards, there was of course, another party. I met Ron Burgundy.

The sunset was unbelievable at the marina

Saturday was cloudy and overcast, but pretty much awesome because we got to go whale watching. My dad was done with his convention duties, so he got to hang out with my brother and I for the whole day. We went to Little Italy, had some amazing Italian, and then went and saw some grey whales. 

LOOK AT THAT TINY WHALE TAIL IN THE DISTANCE!!! 

I really had the best time ever with my brother, who is such a cool kid that I love so darn much. The two of us really had a grand time together, along with my dad. San Diego is slowly becoming a favorite place of mine. I'll always be a Colorado girl, but oh man, sometimes the ocean really is calling.

xo

Hannah

The Last Two Weeks

The last two weeks have been a whirlwind. By the grace of God, we had a snow day today and it completely allowed me to just breathe and catch up.

Two Fridays ago, I met my mom and brother at the airport to go fly to Texas to spend the weekend with my family, as we mourned the loss of my cousin and celebrated his incredible life. It was bittersweet. I really do love getting to spend time with my family, the circumstances just weren't ideal. Nonetheless, Texas is a pretty neat state and I would probably adapt super quick if I had to live there since Sonic is on the corner of every main intersection, and barbecue is a staple food. There was such comfort in being with my cousins, swimming in the hotel pool, exploring Target, eating lots of junk, and playing Heads Up late at night in the hotel lobby.

Texas waffles // Dallas at night

A chilly sunset walk

Not a fan of this picture, but I love the girls in it--Liv and Emma

My family was not able to stay until the memorial service, which we were all very sad about, but we were there for the family viewing. There's not many ways to prepare for seeing the body of a loved one, but it really does just go to show that your body is simply a vessel. Your spirit and life rests in your soul. 

Gizmo's from Double Dip in honor of Ben

It was so hard for us to say goodbye, and I'm still reeling through the shock and sadness, but have been overwhelmed by love and prayers, bringing some peace.

I arrived back in Boulder late Monday afternoon, and in just 48 hours, I was off to the airport again to head off to San Diego with my brother and dad. 

My dad is truly awesome and is in charge of a huge convention put on by his company. Over 6,000 cattlemen and women set sail to San Diego for a huge trade show and country festivities. It was so cool to see my dad in action and I have a whole new appreciation for all the work he does. 

But San Diego will get it's own post because it was a crazy busy time with lots of picture. 

So I'll end this short choppy post with today. After I woke up at 8 to check and see if campus was closed and promptly fell back asleep until 9:30. Mackenzie and I brunched on french toast and coffee while watching Grease Live, then we both did some school work while watching The Office while snacking all day long. We had soup, whipped cream, snickerdoodles, a cheese plate, and some Oreo Mint Thins (10/10 would recommend). We also got less than 5,000 steps, lol winning. Now, we're watching The Real Housewives of Beverley Hills, catching up on society's classiest ladies. I'm not looking forward to trudging to classes in the snow tomorrow, but alas, it is my job.

Here's to the next two weeks and whatever they may bring! 

xo

Hannah

Grief.

Grief. A five letter word, with five different stages, that is different for everyone.

Denial.

Anger.

Bargaining.

Depression.

Acceptance.

It is not just the death that we mourn, but the life too. The loss. The change.

We cling to the expected, the usual, the familiar. It is what is comfortable. But it only takes one action, one phone call, one second to completely rattle life as we know it.

This morning, I heard my phone buzzing on my nightstand at 7am. I saw it was my sister and figured she was calling to interrogate me about where one of her shirts was, or some other normal sister thing. I ignored the call, falling back into my sleepy state. It’s a Tuesday, I don’t have class until 11 so I enjoy sleeping in until almost 9. But my phone kept buzzing. This time, I saw it was my dad. I knew something was wrong. I groggily answered, and immediately heard the serious tone in my dad’s voice. 

“Hannah, your cousin Ben was killed in a car accident early this morning.”

I laid there, not even knowing what to think. I could hear my mom sobbing in the background. I asked a few questions, but there wasn’t a lot of answers. My mom got on the phone, talked to me for a few minutes, and then we hung up. 

I got up and looked out my window. I saw a thin, fresh layer of snow coating the ground. The sun was beginning to peak through the darkness of the night. The day was beginning, but it felt like an ending. I was in shock. I got back into bed. I laid there, with a tears streaming down my face. How could this be? How could my cousin, a young vibrant guy who was always my friend, be gone?

I tried to go back to sleep, but wrestled with devastation. 

A very old picture of most of my cousins from my mom's side.

My family is a tight knit group. I grew up with 4 cousins living one street over, 2 were ten minutes away, and many of the others all lived in state, an hours drive away. We spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, and 4th of July together. We grew up together, hiding under the stairs in my grandma’s basement, playing soccer at the neighborhood park, fighting like siblings, always having fun. 

Ben was one of the three musketeers along with me and my cousin Nick. We were all the same age and the oldest grandchildren. He was technically the oldest by a few months, and I thought he was pretty cool because he drank diet soda when he was little, something only the adults got to do. There were plenty of times I hated being the only girl and felt picked on by Ben and Nick, but things were always quickly resolved. We loved being the big kids and it was such a gift to have two cousins going through life with me. 

Eventually, we grew up and life happened. We would still hang out, things were just different. Ben and his family moved to Texas so we didn’t see each other as much. We all graduated high school and took on more adult roles and situations. It wasn’t always easy, but family was constantly there. 

The last time I was with Ben was Christmas, and I am so appreciative of the gift. His family spent about two weeks in Colorado. There is no doubt this time was precious and we thank God for it.  

Early this morning, Ben left this earth quickly and without pain. He was on his way home, but God took him Home.

It hurts to know how much pain my uncle and aunt are suffering. Without a goodbye, their son was gone. My heart breaks for my Dez and Emma, his siblings, who lost their brother. I know how much they love him.

We feel the pain. It hits every nerve in our body, sweeping us off our feet. A young life, chock-full of potential, love, and promise, gone. I beg to know why, Lord, but understand I just need to trust in the plan. I think sometimes, it's better to not know. Now is the time to press in. I just pray for peace, for comfort. 

Thanks for filling my childhood with friendship, love, laughter, and memories, Ben. I'll miss you always. 

xo

Hannah

A New Year

There's something about cleaning that I just love.

Sweeping, vacuuming straight lines into carpet, mirrors without water spots, dust free table tops, trash bags full of junk, it's just refreshing. When physical clutter and dirt is cleared from my life, I am mentally clean and clear too.

Wasn't that nice little lead into talking about a new year? Like every other person on the Internet, I felt the need to talk about the new year. It's basically the rules of blogging to talk about each new year  and your goals and opinions and what not. La duh. But I'm not lying about cleaning. I do love it. It's part of my routine, which is another thing I love.

I arrived back in Boulder Sunday night to start spring semester and upon the moment I turned my light on in my room, I slipped back into the same rhythmic routine, almost like I never left. Mackenzie and I cleaned out our refrigerator and cabinets, and boy did it feel great. I unloaded my bags, and soon enough, I was in my pajamas, going through the motions of my nightly routine, saying goodnight to Mackenzie after we warmed up our neck wraps in the kitchen (lol old couple dream team back in action), falling asleep after watching some Gilmore Girls. It felt comforting to back in the groove I've come to know these past few months.

So now you know I'm really just an 80-year old in a 19-year old's body, who loves routine and cleaning. As I went to my new classes yesterday and today, I heard from each professor the phrase "clean slate".

Is the new year a clean slate to you? For me, it sorta is, but mostly isn't.

I don't really do resolutions. I don't do loads of dictated self-improvement. January 1st is another day of being the best Hannah I can be. 

I'm a believer in evolution.

I'm all about the caterpillar becoming the butterfly.

Back in 2013 and 2014, I chose a word of the year and really did benefit from having it tucked in my brain all year. I figured for 2016 I would choose another word. I wanted a word that would stretch me and help me grow, a word that would make me focus more. I couldn't decide between two words, so for 2016, I will be thinking of these 2 words in the many aspects of my life:

Intentional

&

Brave

I want to be more deliberate in my actions, to really make choices that are for the greater good.

I want to be brave and bold and take more risks, I want to have the courage to do more things that might break my heart temporarily to later make me more whole. 

Tonight, I took Mack on a spontaneous drive up Flagstaff Mountain. I've had the idea burrowed in my mind for a while now and really wanted to drive up when the sun was setting because I knew how incredible the sky would be coupled with the view of the valley, but I was a little late in leaving. We still made it to the top as dusk was settling in. The flickering lights and the quiet were therapeutic for the soul. We drove up and down the mountain once more, just to take in the view while listening to our favorite mellow playlist. It was a great way to kick off the semester and year. 

I know that 2016 is going to be a year of greatness. I know it will bring new, good things into my life and I'm hopeful for what I can give back. Cheers and happy new year!

xo

Hannah