The Girl Who Held the Door For Me

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.
It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change.
And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.
That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive.
By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much.
Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.
So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty.
  The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it.
  The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.
  And let it go when we can.
  The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again.
  And always, every time, it takes your breath away.
There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.
  Denial.
Anger.
  Bargaining.
Depression.

Acceptance.

This morning, when I was on Facebook waiting for my cousin in the car, I saw some statuses from students at my school wanting to know if anyone knew about the student that had passed away the previous evening. I was so confused. Had someone really died? Or was it just another high school rumor? Automatically, I thought about if I had talked to my best friends within the last 12 hours. During choir, my first class, the rumor grew thicker. It was a freshman girl? No one could say for sure. As others were already feeling sad, I honestly was a little sad that a family would have to feel such great pain in loss, but was so happy because A) it had snowed and B) we got our Christmas music in choir and C) Kylee and I were going to Tattered Cover during our off period. In seminar, our teacher delivered the sad news that a freshman girl had indeed died. It gave me such goosebumps, but my life was beebopping along. I said a quick prayer thanking God for my family and friends, and went on with my life. The rest of the day, the school was somber, and I felt like I couldn't smile in the halls. The grey weather outside perfectly reflected the morose feeling inside. 

When I got home from physical therapy after school, my Facebook newsfeed was flooded with sympathy statuses. I did some creeping and finally was able to see a picture of this girl. Then, my breath was instantly taken away.

I instantly recognized this girl. I knew who she was. I saw her every single day. She was best friends with my strength partner. When I went to strength, I saw her in the athletic hall. I saw her when I would go to choir or physics. There's a lot of kids at my school, but I really do remember her face against others. 

When I had my arm in the cast and sling, life was rough. You don't realize how much you do with both hands. If you're holding something with your one able hand, then that's all you can do. One of the toughest things for me was carrying my textbooks and opening the door to the school. After I saw that picture, one thing came flying back at me. She always held the door for me, even if I was far away from the door, she would wait patiently for me to get there and with a friendly smile. This gesture may seem ordinary, I mean why is it that big a deal? People are just kind if they hold the door. But when you're struggling with textbooks, a backpack on one shoulder, and a heavy door, someone kindly holding it really means a lot.

When events like this happen, I always get irritated that kids who didn't really know the person get overdramatic about it. I understand it may bring back memories of their own suffering, but in high school, many do things for attention only. I did put myself in the shoes of one of her friends, thinking if how horrible it would be to lose one of my best friends. I hate that thought, I really do. It gives me a stomachache. These tragedies have only ever happened to people who were strangers to me. But when you can actually put a person with a name, it means so much more. 

Flood this family with prayers.

 

I am counting all my blessings tonight as I think of the girl who held the door for me, who's life was taken far too soon.

Rest in peace sweet girl.

xo

Hannah